THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Preface-A GENERAL WORD ABOUT GOOD MANNERS AND GOOD FORM SOON American traveller, when once rallied upon the fact that there was no aristocracy in his country, replied: "Pardon me, you forget our women!" It was gallantly said, and characteristic of the chivalry that has always been so marked a trait of American manhood. It is the stock reproach among Europeans towards us this lack of aristocracy-which politely but thinly veils their conviction that we are a nation of rich and prosperous parvenus. We resent the reflection because it seems to imply the lack of qualities which, to our minds, the word stands for. Now we believe the outward and visible signs of aristocracy are shown in perfect breeding, charm of manner, and unfailing courtesy, of which the inward grace is an instinctive refinement that is not merely a decorative attribute. True aristocracy derives nothing from the possession of money-wealth but makes ill-breeding more conspicuous. Rank and station do not create it, since there are persons who consider that their social standing entitles them to a conduct that is often wounding to the feelings of others, and it is not inseparable from ancient lineage. It is said that there are old families in England who have a well-earned reputation for possessing the worst manners in the world, which proud distinction was satirized in a bright little society skit in which "my lady" says to her daughter: "Rude? Of course we are rude, my dear. We have been rude ever since the Conquest!" It is not given to every man to be what, in common parlance, is called "born a gentleman," but if his birth be not gentle, his manners may make him so; for "he is gentil," says Chaucer, "who doth gentil dedis." Habit is second nature. A Frenchman, of wide travel and experience, once said to an American: "Your politeness in the States is not a form, but a fact. With us, courtesy towards women has always a personal element. You can do a woman a service without looking at her." He proceeded to explain further: — "We, however, have the advantage of a more fixed etiquette, that leaves one never at a loss to know the proper thing to be done under given circumstances, that gives ease of mind and bearing to the individual, and elegance and grace to society at large." There is then a distinction between good manners and good form. The one comes from innate good breeding, the other may be acquired by careful study and close observance of the forms of behavior that at the moment are fashionable. As a man may be wise without learning, so he may be polite without etiquette. At the root of fine manners, however, usually lie the eternal principles of kindness and thoughtfulness; and, as some one has said, although courtesy is not Christianity, it is a very good imitation of it, since most of the rules of etiquette are based upon unselfishness, and the proper regard for the feelings of other people. We have all heard the story of the French king who was so well bred that when one of his guests dropped a priceless wine-glass, immediately, as though through inadvertence, broke one himself, to prove that such a mischance might happen to any one and was of no special consequence. The English George the Fourth, drinking his tea from the saucer to relieve the embarrassment of a young maid of honor, recently come to court, who had provoked the smiles of the company by a like provincialism, is another instance where courtesy shows Christian inspiration. The custom of leaving a card for every member of a family, when calling, is designed to give assurance that each person has been distinguished individually in one's thought. We make careful toilets in visiting and receiving our friends, to do them honor. We call promptly upon our hostess after an entertainment to prove ourselves not ungrateful for the trouble that she has taken to give us pleasure. We are expected to talk in low, well-bred tones that we may not disturb our neighbor's thought or conversation. A host has the first drops of a fresh bottle of wine poured into his glass, lest a bit of the cork might, by chance, incommode his guest. There is a tacit understanding that we shall be agreeable to one another, always putting the best on the outside and keeping our private woes to ourselves. St. Paul, in his speeches and letters, is the very model of a gentleman. In fact, courtesy, conciliation, forbearance, kindliness, which are of the very nature and essence of politeness, were strictly enjoined by the first teachers of Christianity. Manners are minor morals. The children are taught "To be truly polite is to do and say The kindest thing in the kindest way." It has been found, however, that the various pursuits and interests of society move forward to the best fulfilment of their several purposes and work together most harmoniously when guided by certain fixed rules, the willing observance of which establishes one's claim to gentlehood in the minds of others, and gives ease and confidence in whatever society we find ourselves. - People have agreed upon certain conventions which have through the ages grown into a code, — a decalogue of good behavior. |
