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in her soul be a prostitute, let her reputation in life be what it will. But can it be true fay, ye chaste stars, that with innumerable eyes inspect the midnight behaviður of mortals--can it be true, that any young woman, pretending to decency, should endure for a moment to look on this infernal brood of fu tility and lewdness?
• Nor do we condemn those writings only, that, with an effrontery which defies the laws of God and men, carry on their very forehead the mark of the beast. We consider the general run of Novels as utterly unfit for you. Instruction they conyey none. They paint scenes of pleasure and passion altogether improper for you to behold, eyen with the mind's eye. Their descriptions are often loose and luscious in a high degree; their representations of love between the sexes are almost universally overstrained. All is dotage, or defpair ; or elfe ranting swelled into burlesque. In short, the majority of their lovers are either mere lunatics, or moek-heroes. A sweet fensibility, a charming tenderness, a delightful anguish, exalted generosity, heroic worth, and refinement of thought; how feldom are these best ingredients of virtuous love mixed with any judgment or care in the composition of their principal characters!
[To be continued.]
The New Bath Guide : or, Memoirs of the B-R-D Family, In
a Series of poetical Epi/lles. 4to. 55. Dodsley. HERE is a species of humour in these droll Epistles, which
has the greater force, as it seems to proceed from a simple and unembellished character, the hopeful offspring of a considerable family in the North, who comes to Bath for the cure of thole crudities of mind and body, which an entire exclusion from the world, and the good cookery of a tender mother, had occafioned. Along with him comes his sister Prudence, and her maid Tabitha, together with a pert niece of the family, who gives the following account of her fellow-travellers :
For Lady B-N-R-D, my aunt,
Berself propos'd this charming jaunt,
All from redundancy of care
For Sim, her fav rite fon and heir:
To him the joyous hours lowe
That Batb's enchanting fcenes bestow
Thanks to her book of choice receipts,
That pamper'd him with fav'ry meats;
Nor less that day deferves a bleffing
She cramm dl filler to excess in:
For now she sends both son and daughter
For crudities to drink the water.
And here they are, all bile and spleen,
The strangest fish that e'er were seen;
With TABBY Runt, their maid, poor creatore,
The queerest animal in nature :
I'm certain none of Hogarth's sketches
E’er form'd a set of ftranger wretches.
I own, my dear, it hurts my pride,
To see them blund'ring by my side;
My spirits flag, my life and fire
Is mortify'd au desespoir,
When sim, unfashionable ninny,
In public calls me Coupon Jenny;
And yet, to give the wight his due,
He has some Thare of humour too,
A comic vein of pedant learning
His conversation you'll discern in,
The oddelt compound you can see
Of shrewdness and fimplicity,
With nat'ral strokes of aukward wit,
That oft, like Parthian arrows hit,
For when he seems to dread the foe
He always strikes the hardest blow;
And when you'd think He means to flatter,
His panegyrics turn to satire:
But then no creature you can find
Knows half so little of mankind,
Seems always blund'ring in the dark,
And always making some remark ;
Remarks, that fo provoke one's laughter,
One can't imagine what he's after :
And sure you'll thank me for exciting
In Sim a wondrous itch for writing;
With all his serious grimace
To give descriptions of the place.
No doubt his mother will produce
His poetry for gen'ral use,
And if his bluntness does not fright you,
His obfervations must delight you. The observations of such a character muft, indeed, be curious; accordingly we find them conducted with great humour, and observe the genuine effects of that compound of shrewdness and fimplicity; first in the consultation of physicians concerning the young 'Iquires health :
- They all met together, and thus began talking :
“Good doctor, I'm your's—'tis a fine day for walking
" Sad news in the papers-G-d knows who's to blame
“ The colonies seem to be all in a fame
“ This stamp-act, no doubt, may be good for the crown
" But I fear 'tis a pill that will never go down
• What can Portugal mean i-is She going to stir up
“ Convulsions and heats in the bowels of Europe ?
« 'Twill be fatal if England relapses again
“ From the ill blood and humours of Bourbon and Spain." -
Says I, my good doctors, I can't understand
Why the deuce ye take so many patients in hand,
Ye've a great deal of practice, as far as I find ;
But since ye're come hither, do pray be so kind
To write me down something that's good for the wind.
No doubt ye are all of ye great politicians,
Bat at present my bowels have need of physicians :
Consider my case in the light it deserves,
And pity the state of my stomach and nerves.
But a tight little doctor began a dispute
About administrations, New---Le and B--E,
Talk'd much of oeconomy, much of profuseness.
Says another—" This cale, which at first was a looseness,
“ Is become a tenesinus, and all we can do
“ Is to give him a gentle cachartic or two;
“ First get off the phlegm that adheres to the plicæ,
throw in a med'cine that's pretty and spicy, -
“ A peppermint draught, or a Come, let's be gone,
“ We've another bad case to consider at one."
So thus they brush'd off, each his cane at his nose,
When JENNY came in, who had heard all their prose :
I'll teach them, says she, at their next consultation,
To come and take fees for the good of the nation.
I could not conceive what the devil she mean't,
But she seiz'd all the stuff that the doctor had sent,
And out of the window she fung it down souse,
As the first politician went out of the house.
Decoctions and syrups around him all flew,
The pill, bolus, julep, and a pozem too;
His wig had the luck a cathartic to meet,
And squash went the gallipot under his feet.
There are a thousand strains of humour in these high-wrough
Epistles, some of which do not occur to you at the first reading;
- propius ftes, te capiet magis :—the Author frequently heightens
and enriches his humour by parodies and imitations :-thus the
two last-quoted couplets unavoidably put us in mind of the folo
lowing stanza in that celebrated pastoral song, first printed ix
the Spectator :
* Sweet music went with us both all the wood through;
The lark, linnet, throftle, and nightingale too;
Winds over us whisper'd; flocks by us did bleat;
And chirp went the grashopper under our feet.”
It is impossible to refuse our Readers the fixth letter, which
contains a description of Tabitha's bathing.
This morning, dear mother, as soon as 'twas light,
I was wak'd by a noise that astonish'd me quite,
For in Tabitha's chamber I heard fuch a clatter,
I could not conceive what the deuce was the matter :
And, would you believe it? I went up and found her
In a blanket, with two lufty fellows around her,
Who both seem'd a going to carry her off in
A little black box just the size of a coffin :
Pray tell me, says I, what ye're doing of there?
Why, Mafter, 'uis hard to be bilkd of our fare, “ And fo we were thrufting her into a chair : “ We don't see no reason for using us so, « For she bad us come hither, and now she won't go ; “ We have earn'd all the fare, for we both came and knock'd ta “ Up, as foon as 'twas light, hy advice of the doctor ; “ And this is a job that we often go a’ter “ For ladies that choose to go io to the water."
• But pray,' says I, “TABITHA, what is your drift
• To be cover'd in flannel instead of a Mift?
« 'Tis all by the doctor's advice, I suppose,
· That nothing is left to be seen but your nose :
• I think if you really intend to go in,
'Twould do you more good if you dript to the frin,
. And if you've a mind for a frolic, i'farth
• I'll just step and see you jump into the bath.'
So they hoisted her down just as safe and as well
And as fnug as a hod’mandod rides in his shell:
I fain would have gone to fee TABITHA dip,
But they turn'd at a corner and gave me the flip,
Yet in searching about I had better fuccess,
For I got to a place where the ladies undress;
Thinks I to myself, they are after some fun,
And I'll see what they're doing as sure as a gun :
So I peep'd at the door, and i saw a great mat
That cover'd a table, and got under that,
And laid myself down there, as foug and as fill
(As a body may lay) like a thief in a mill:
And of all the fine lights I have seen, my dear moliner,
I never expect to behold such another:
How the ladies did giggle and fet up their clacks,
All the while an old woman was rubbing their backs!
Oh 'cwas pretty to see them all put on their flannels,
And then take the water like so many spaniels,
And though all the while it grew hotter and brotter,
They swam, just as if they were hunting an otter ;
'Twas a glorious sight to behold the fair lex
All wading with gentlemen up to their necks,
And view them so pretiily tumble and sprawl
In a great smoakirg kettle as big as our hail:
And to-doy many pertors of rank and condition
Were boild by command of an able physician,
Dean Spavin, Dean MANGEY, and Doctor DE'SQUIRT,
Were all fent from Cambridge to rub off their dirt;
judge SCRUB, and the worthy old counsellor Pest
Join'd iffue at once, and went in with the rest :
And this they all said was exceedingly good
For strength’ning the spirits, and mending the blood.
It pleas'd me to see how they all were inclin'd
To lengthen their lives for the good of mankind';
For I ne'er would believe that a bishop or judge
Can fancy old SATAN may owe him a grudge,
Tho' fome think the lawyer may chuse to demur,
And the priest till another occasion defer,
And both to be better prepared for herea’ter,
Take a smack of the brimitone contained in the water.
But, what is furprising, no mortal e'er view'd
Any one of the physical gentlemen ftew'd;
Since the dav that King BLADUD first found out the bogs,
And thought them so good for himself and his hogs,
Not one of the faculty ever has try'd
Thef: excellent waters to cure his own hide:
Tho'many a kilfuli nd learned physician,
With candour, good sense, and profound erudition,
Obliges the world with the fruits of his brain
Their nature and hidden effects to explain :
Thus CHIRON ad is'd Madam Theris to take
And dip her poor child in the Stygian lake,
But the worthy old docior was not such an elf
As ever to venture his carcase himself:
So Jason's good wife us’d to set on a pot,
And put in at once all the patients she got,
But thought it füfficient to give her direction,
Without being coddled to mend her complexion :
And I never have heard that she wrote any treatise
To tell what the virtue of water and heat is.
You cannot conceive what a number of ladies
Were wash'd in the water the same as our maid is :
Old Baron Vantaazer, a man of great wealth,
Brought his law; the baroru; here for her health ;
The baroness bathes, and the says that her case
Has been hit to a hair, and is inending apace :
And this is a point all the learned agree on,
The baron has met with the fate of ACTEON;
Who while he peep'd into the bath had the lack
To find himself suddenly chang'd to a buck.
Miss SCRATCHIT went in, and the Countefs of SCALES,
Both ladies of very great fashion in Walis;
Then all on a sudden iwo persons of worth,
My Lady PANDORA Mac'sCURVEY came forth,
With General SULPHUR arrived from the north.
So Tabby, you see, had the honour of washing
With folk of distinction and very high fashion,
But in spite of good company, poor little soul,
She shook both her ears like a mouse in a bowl.