"I hope not; but what if the honest and ingenuous are disappointed?"

"Why, that is a thing to be considered-you have taken me unawares-let us see-why, really; and yet, to be honest and candid myself, if the good, and the honest, and the frank-hearted, all say, after reading and understanding my book, that they are very sorry they ever read it, why then I will say I am very sorry I ever wrote it."

"You appeal then, dear Robert, to the good, the ingenuous, the merry, and even the religious ?"

go.

"I do."

"Then to such, if we can find a publisher, you shall

Somwhersburgh, 1843,

CHARLES CLARENCE.

CONTENTS.

JOURNEY.

CHAPTER I.

Reasons of some for going West, prosaic; of others, poetic: the latter the

Author's.... Day dreaming........ Injurious to Dilworth's spelling-book....how

dispelled What was hoped in early manhood....Prepared........................

....

CHAPTER II.

How long once a journey to Pittsburg.... Antiquated one wheeled car....
Stage office, imposition, who could it be?....Stages, wore no boots....Ex-
ercise in Etymology.... Mysterious disappearance.... Believing spirit....
How to fill a stage with tiers.... Mr. Brown enters.... Dialogue between
Foote and Fut.... Democrats made.... Solo talker, and wonderful history.
..Curious effect of nodding..... Making up..... Interesting scene at
washing faces....A discovery....Apology.......

....

CHAPTER III.

..............

A horn.... What to do with a new bonnet.... Space for fut, and other arti-

cles....Introductions.... Mr. C., and his reasons for We-ing, &c.....Mr.

Smith.... Mr. Brown, and his ignorance.... Col. Wilmar.... Character....

Gen. Winchester....River Raisin....Adventures.... Story interrupted....

What Jacob and little Peggy could do.... Mr. Brown repairing breach of

a battering ram.... Wilmar's narrative.... Charles Clarence, how, he went

to Niagara, what he was going to Kentucky after, recommended to ladies.

.... Sudden flash....Lancaster....Caoutchouc stages.... Reader yawns..

CHAPTER IV.

1

10

How to set out....Ribbon of fire....Slower.... Growling.... Why ended....

Very interesting talk....Answers.... Consequences.... Refreshments....

Evil spirits....Danger of pocket pistols....Effect of music on an extra

driver, his ballad........Earthquake....Geometrical.... Twelve and a half

cents worth of sleep....Sleep by the job....Sleep off hand........ Exclamation. 18

CHAPTER V.

Departure from.... What we have said, though we should not....Ascent.

.... Usual feat.... Waiting.... Bonnet in and out........ Not afraid of robbers

at a distance.... Still going up....Reflections up there.... Dreams....

Interruption.... Descent.... Peril.... Caution and effect of it.... How to

hold up a stage... View over ear-tips....Look! look!.... What is it ?....

Data for calculation.... Dreadful fall!.... Not ready either.... Why....

Described as a model...

CHAPTER VI.

.............

Greek imitated.... Col. Wilmar's adventure.... Mr. Smith's remark, and in-
teresting narrative.... Miss Wilmar begs Clarence to tell something.... His
compliance. And throat nearly cut.... Exclamation....Story resumed.
Cool bed.... Bad words.... Clarence ends by beginning, and is prevented

22

....A deer.... Consequences.... Wonderful adventure at night by Mr. and

Mrs. C....Gallant action....A long skip---owing to the reader's impatience 28

ly....

PITTSBURG.

CHAPTER VII.

Iron age and musical hexameters.... Milton's devils did not load scientifical-

....Scenes when the wind blows.... Folly of rash judgment.... Beauti-

ful women.... What takes from adds to.... Cœlebs....Tribute to Mr.

Smith........

41

VOYAGE.

CHAPTER VIII.

....

Spit-fire....Ark.... How built.... Captain..... His affection.... All aboard........

Poetical burst.....Rude interruption.... Curious result of "the slue."....

Farewell!....An apostrophe.. Wilmar's proposition.... Meeting consti-

tuted....The chair.... Brown not elected....Debate.... Officers.... Orders

....Stores and furniture....Fixing....A tie.... Figurative grammar....

Dangers....Sleeping on system.... Whistling against....A fix....Epi-

sode during an embargo....Untying.... Planter..... Snag.... Sawyer....

Curious male....Slick feller....Palinurus.... Beats.... Sings, and leaps

.... Grand flotilla.... Superior to....Romance.... Old fashioned shower

....Witchery....Echo and Muses....Indignant lament.....Seventh day

....Hard spelling...." Halloo!".... Going over an old lesson.... Liberal

proposal to reader....Broke up.... Farewell....

....

THE SEARCHING.

CHAPTER IX.

..........

43

A question...
••••no reply.......... First lessons....Travelling in Autumn and Spring

Why, and how....Instincts of Hoosiers and Corncrackers, &c.... First

night.... The fan.... Second night.... A rite-dite!.... Poetry cooling....A

description and inventory....Poetic justice for a ghost.... Shifting.... Talk

between a woman and a lady.... Two things done at once.... Bending

according to nature.... Shorter by position.... The "set-up" performed....

Half-and-half.... Answer to Mr. Nice.... Ditto to Miss.... Calling names. 57

CHAPTER X.

Agrees with the reader.... Whither.... Great peril....Vengeance.... Two

sorts of oases.... Reception.... Why the children were modest..... Hu-

manities....Tribute to the Clergy.... No pay taken....Episode about 50

cents....A very novel and useful society proposed.... Contrast between

preaching fortunately interrupted at Bishop Baltimore's.............................................

CHAPTER XI.

Woodville capital of New Purchase....A halt.... Strange animals....Dr.
Sylvan....Doubt about class.... Dress and undress....Sweat rag....Adroit
ma nipulations.....Governor....Leaden casket.... Aborigines.... Arrows
....Grand buildings.... Wizzard's box-how not to get in....Churches....
Steeple saints .... Household churches.... Elocution.... Scenes In-
scription....Anecdotes...." who keeps house ?"...." Put on the pot,"
....Taverns.... Private houses.... Dr. Sylvan's.... Red fire ... Doctor as
a hunter....House proper and L....Lamp-lighters.... Expostulation........

....

65

Mysterious perforations in a wall...." O fye" retaliated....Hydraulics

....Diplomas....A regret....Hint to Uncle Sam.... Hark............................... 71

CHAPTER XII.

Solemn league broken... Generosity....Start again.... First snake story....

Path to Glenville....Legislative road....Stumps.... Straddling........Exer-

cises of taste and fancy........ Auxiliaries....whither they do not go.... Curi-

ous illumination of roads.... Corner tree.... Enormous Serpent coiled....

Mr. C. rushes forward in a phrenzy and seizes it by the tail.... Screeching

....Escapes unhurt....Third snake hit on the tail, but the author does not

venture to seize....Error detected in a mathematical axiom....Neigh-

bourhood roads-in actu-in posse.... Wide bottom-Sun caught at last in

an out of the way place-poetry reviving... Apparition of a hamadryad

-poetry dying again....Difference between halloa! and "holler!"....

Elocutional lesson gratis to all who buy the book....Perspicuous direc-

tions to Glenville....Poetry of the whale....Getting into bed a mystery

-how Mrs. Major Billy Westland did—and our "Jess"....Good night.... 84

THE FINDING.

CHAPTER XIII.

What the Brushwoods thought....Straight directions.... Thrilling accident

.....great snortings........ A rational conjecture—an abrupt ending.... Suburbs

............slipping down-uproar-looking out-what Mr. C. and his consort tum-

bled into....Dear reader !-hugged over....Tenderness.......... Thanksgiving.. 94

FIRST YEAR.

CHAPTER XIV.

In the woods.... Reader overcome by entreaties, and introduced to the Set-

tlement....Terms explained-origin of “absquatulate" and cognates....

What names a Settlement.... Patriarchal cabin-Mr. Hilsbury's-Tannery

-Squatteres of a Leatherstocking....Other Settlements....Ranges....

Praises of semi-wild boars....S. East of Glenville-West-N. East....

Timberopolis-seat of two evils-Ins and Outs....Map-towns-Snail shell

towns....Compressibility of elastic families....History of the Seymours....

Mr. Carlton's courtship.... Why here-and wider awake!.... Disagreeable

visitor-what the woman did-what Mr. C. did with the end of a tail-fair

offer for a box of rosin!... Enormous expense....Cabin architecture-

Rough-Scotched-Double-Composite, &c. &c.... Way to hang a door,

and have it eaten off-Gliding to next chapter.....

CHAPTER XV.

Thrifty housewives-289 feet.... Puncheoned area-grand divisions-sub-

dividings....Adroitness....Imaginary lines....Potato.... Carlton's study

....Kitchen proper and improper.... Plunder.... History of a waiter and a

cake of sugar.... Great peril of Mrs. Seymour-remarkable escape of

something else.... The old pier-glass-what mistaken for-packed away-

alas!...

CHAPTER XVI.

98

....... 109

Two arts learned.... Grinding and kindred topics....Græcian bark..........Curi-
ous round thing described....Old Dick named-perpetual motion, and

e pluribus unum........Instrument of torture recommended for the spread of

the gospel.... New mode of calculating the contents of a circular area-

another last word-puncheons!.... Old Dick trots up-his age-apprentice-

ship, and how stunted, &c. &c.... His practical jokes moral character-how

many he would carry-how steered, &c.... His idyosyncracy.... Black-

board-brass band-Hogarth........

CHAPTER XVII.

A secret whispered.... Making believe.... Scene on meeting a curious person

-his incredulity and surprise.... How skill is acquired.... Squirrel killed

by concussion.... Why Western folks use rifles-what was done at the

Tannery.... Captivating offer to the reader... The author refuses "to

bore" with a rifle.... Sequel contains the story of something in behalf of

the Temperance Society, which commenced will be read through by all

cold watermen and members of the Peace Society.... Gathering quadru-

peds.....

CHAPTER XVIII.

Meetings-little and big....Riding twice.... Dick's cargo-advantage of

heavy loads.... How "critturs" are hung--and how they dance....Adver-

tisements....Mistakes of some missionaries.... Character of missionaries

-hardships-zeal-poverty, &c........"Half a loaf "-applied ecclesiastically

....Salaries-Paul-Luke ... Cruel logic........ Recommendation to some at

ease in Zion....Something very wet.... Apropos! of buckskin breeches

.......... Incidents-Glenville's--Leatherstocking's--Peggy's panthers--Mis-

sionary's bears.... Cries.... Danger and escape

CHAPTER XIX.

..... .....

115

122

136

A Bishop's whisper.... The salam....Talk about " 'mense heap of woods,

&c."....Breaking ice-freezing and thawing....Copy of remarkable wri-

ting....Giving the "invite."....Episode about a bride elect and her friends

-Mr. Ashmore and his "idees"-dialogues about the earth-the sun-two

pennies....Susan-rose of wilderness-lovers....Day arrives-Glenville

folks, in several divisions, march.... Old Dick and a hurricane-defence of

his nonsense.... Place reached--a change-dead calm-a descent.... Mrs.

Ashford at the foot of a ladder-what was seen-how to hook a woman

..Solemnization.... Terror--with an appendix.... Putting out and chas-

ing....Noon-and ferment....Holiday in a clearing....Old Dick can't

stand it any longer.... What happened to three chaps on his back.... Story

telling--"tarrifying a ba'r"-" gobbling a turkey,"--snake affair-Uncle Tom-

my's long story.... Dinner-" eating twice".... Inversion of matrimonial

chord-a short prayer....Amazing pot pie!....Fried leather!-other deli-

cacies.....Natural curiosity....Hint taken.... Volunteers.... Pulling up

and stopping a frolic.....
153

....

CHAPTER XX.

Occupation-merry time-treadles versus pedals....closet-shuttle-Flute

and Fiddle-Greek and Latin-"Tyture tu pat"....Hebrew....Evenings

and crackings.... Family lamp....Axe-craft-Tom Robinson.... Fire ma-

king-back log-puffs and jumping back---hipping a log-puncheons wrig-

gling....Fire-bursting out-combustion not supported by a bladder of

gas....A tong.... Bah!.... Hurraw-aw........

........ 185