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but fpeciously for mafter Fenton, Well, I muft of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistreffes; what a beast am I to flack it?

[Exit.

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Changes to the Garter inn.

Enter Falstaff and Bardolph.

Fal. Bardolph, I fay.

Bard. Here, Sir.

Fal. Go fetch me a quart of fack; put a toast in't. [Ex. Bard] Have I liv'd to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of butchers' offal; and to be thrown into the Thames? Well, if I be ferv'd fuch another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out, and butter'd, and give them to a dog for a new year's gift. The rogues flighted me into the river with as little remorfe 2 as they would have drown'd a bitch's blind puppies, fifteen i' the litter and you may know, by my fize, that I have a kind of alacrity in finking: if the bottom were as deep as hell, I fhould down. I had been drown'd, but that the fhore was fhelvy and fhallow; a death that I abhor; for the water fwells a man: and what a thing fhould I have been, when I had been swell'd! I should have been a mountain of mummy.

Re-enter Bardolph.

Now, is the fack brew'd?

Bard. Ay, Sir: there's a woman below would speak with you.

2 In former copies,

-as they would have drown'd a blind bitch's puppies,-] I have ventured to tranfpofe the adjective here, againit the authority of the printed copies. I know, in horfes, a colt from a blind ftallion lofes much of the value it might otherwise have; but are puppies ever drown'd the fooner, for coming from a blină bitch? The author certainly wrote, as they would have drown'd a bitch's blind puppies. THEOBALD.

Fal.

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Fal. Come, let me pour in fome fack to the Thames water; for my belly's as cold as if I had fwallow'd fnow-balls for pills to cool the reins. Call her in.

Bard. Come in, woman.

Enter Mrs. Quickly.

-give

Quic. By your leave;-I cry you mercy :your worship good morrow.

Fal. Take away these chalices: go brew me a pottle of fack finely.

Bard. With

eggs,

Sir?

Fal. Simple of itself, I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.-How now?

Quic. Marry, Sir, I come to your worship from mistress Ford.

Fal. Mistress Ford! I have had Ford enough: I was thrown into the Ford; I have my belly full of Ford.

Quic. Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault: fhe does fo take on with her men; they miftook their erection.

Fal. So did I mine, to build on a foolish woman's promise.

Quic. Well, fhe laments, Sir, for it, that it would yern your heart to fee it. Her husband goes this morning a birding; fhe defires you once more to come to her between eight and nine. I muft carry her word quickly fhe'll make you amends, I warrant you.

Fal. Well, I will visit her: tell her fo; and bid her think, what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit.

Quic. I will tell her.

Fal. Do fo. Between nine and ten, fay'ft thou?

Quic. Eight and nine, Sir.

Fal. Well, be gone: I will not miss her.

Quic. Peace be with you, Sir !

[Exit.

Fal. I marvel, I hear not of mafter Brook; he fent

me

me word to stay within: I like his

money well. Oh,

here he comes.

Enter Ford

Ford. Blefs you, Sir!

Fal. Now, mafter Brook? you come to know what hath pafs'd between me and Ford's wife?

Ford. That, indeed, Sir John, is my bufinefs. Fal. Mafter Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at her house the hour fhe appointed me.

Ford. And you fped, Sir?

Fal. Very ill-favour'dly, mafter Brook.

Ford. How, Sir? Did fhe change her determination? Fal. No, mafter Brook: but the peaking cornuto her husband, mafter Brook, dwelling in a continual larum of jealoufy, comes to me in the inftant of our encounter, after we had embrac'd, kifs'd, protefted, and, as it were, fpoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provok'd and inftigated by his diftemper, and, forfooth, to fearch his houfe for his wife's love.

Ford. What, while you was there?

Fal. While I was there.

Ford. And did he search for you, and could not find you?

Fal. You fhall heir. As good luck would have it, comes in one miftrefs Page; gives intelligence of Ford's approach; and, by her invention, and Ford's wife's diftraction, they convey'd me into a buck-basket. Ford. A buck-basket!

Fal. Yea, a buck-basket: ramm'd me in with foul fhirts and fmocks, focks, foul ftockings, and greafy napkins; that, mafter Brook, there was the rankeit compound of villainous finell, that ever offended noftril.

Ford. And how long lay you there?

Fal. Nay, you fhall hear, master Brook, what I have fuffer'd to bring this woman to evil for your good. VOL. I.

S

Being

Being thus craman'd in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were call'd forth by their mistress, to carry me in the name of foul cloaths to Datchetlane they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave their mafter in the door, who afk'd them once or twice what they had in their basket: I quak'd for fear, left the lunatick knave would have fearch'd it; but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well; on went he for a fearch, and away went I for foul cloaths. But mark the sequel, master Brook I fuffer'd the pangs of three 3 several deaths: first, an intolerable fright, to be detected by a jealous rotten bell-weather: next, to be compafs'd like a good ✦ bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head and then, to be stopp'd in, like a strong diftillation, with ftinking cloaths that fretted in their own grease: think of that, a man of my 5 kidney; think of that, that am as fubject to heat as butter; a man of continual diffolution and thaw; it was a miracle to 'fcape fuffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half ftew'd in grease, like a Dutch difh, to be thrown into the Thames, and cool'd, glowing hot, in that furge, like a horse-fhoe; think of that; hiffing hot; think of that, mafter Brook.

Ford. In good fadnefs, Sir, I am sorry that for my fake you have fuffer'd all this. My fuit is then defperate; you'll undertake her no more?

Fal. Mafter Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a birding: I have

3

-feveral deaths] Thus the folio and the most correc of the quartos. The first quarto reads-egregious deaths. STEEVENS.

- bilbo,-] A bilbo is a Spanish blade, of which the excellence is flexiblenefs and elafticity. JOHNSON.

5 kidney;] Kidney in this phrafe now fignifies kind or qualities, but Falstaff means a man whofe kiduies are as fat as mine. JOHNSON.

receiv'd

receiv'd from her another embaffy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour, mafter Brook.

Ford. 'Tis paft eight already, Sir.

Fal. Is it? I will then addrefs me to my appoint

ment.

Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I fpeed; and the conclufion fhall be crown'd with your enjoying her: adieu, you fhall have her, mafter Brook; mafter Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. [Exit.

Ford. Hum! ha! is this a vifion? is this a dream? do I fleep? master Ford, awake; awake, mafter Ford; there's a hole made in your best coat, mafter Ford. This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen, and buck-baskets! -Well, I will proclaim myself what I an: I will now take the letcher; he is at my house: he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impoffible he fhould: he cannot creep into a half-penny purse, nor into a pepper-box: but, left the devil that guides him fhould aid him, I will fearch impoffible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not, fhall not make me tame: if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me, I'll be horn-mad. [Exit.

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I'll be born-mad.] There is no image which our author appears fo fond of, as that of cuckold's horns. Scarcely a light character is introduced that does not endeavour to produce merriment by fome allufion to horned husbands. As he wrote his plays for the ftage rather than the prefs, he perhaps reviewed. them feldom, and did not obferve this repetition, or finding the jeft, however frequent, ftill fuccefsful, did not think correction neceffary. JOHNSON.

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