theirs than they would be in such shanties as they would build if they were let alone ?" A servant, magnificently dressed, and bearing a halberd, received us at the door, bowed thrice, The citizen of Peerless was warming with and passed us to a second servant, who wore a his argument, and I thought it prudent to feign grand gold chain round his neck. This last acquiescence. As my walk had made me thirsty, conducted us to a third domestic, dressed in and I saw the sign of a hotel, I suggested that plain silk livery, who opened the drawing-room we might as well go and take a drink. My door for us. A fourth asked us, very politely, friend agreed, and we walked up the steps of what we wished to have. the Hotel of Paradise. A NATURALIST. I inquired of my friend whether he would join me in a glass of Champagne. He almost leaped with astonishment. "Why, are you not aware that the manufacture of liquors of every description has been forbidden by law? Hush! there is a fine of five dollars imposed on the mere mention of the name of any of the old poisonous compounds." I apologized for my ignorance, and said I would be glad of a glass of water. The waiter immediately produced a bill of fare. It was as follows: 1. Spring water. 2. Rain water. 3. Well water. 4. River water. 5. Sea water. 6. Water filtered through charcoal. 7. Water filtered through stone. 8. Water filtered through gravel. 9. Distilled water. And so on to No. 67. Somewhat puzzled by this enumeration, I hastily chose the first. A signal was made by the waiter. A second waiter appeared bearing a tray; a third came with glasses; a fourth bore a decanter of water. We helped ourselves, and asked what was to pay. A fresh signal was made by the first waiter, and after a moment's delay the bill was produced. It was a magnificent triumph of typography. "Mothers? ah! I forgot. I have read of the old-fashioned maternal duties. They must have been a dreadful bore. We did away with them long ago. Children are reared in this I was, I confess, a little taken aback by the charge; but my companion was so eloquent on the improvements that had recently been made in hotels, and the splendor of the modern estab-establishment from their birth on a substance lishments, that I paid the bill in silence, and sallied forth. After we had walked a short distance, I thought I would like a cigar, and inquired of my companion where such a thing could be bought. "Bless me!" said he, "the last cigars were destroyed four hundred odd years ago. Had you never heard of it? It was discovered by the government chemists that smoking was, on the whole, injurious to the human frame, and a law was accordingly passed to prohibit the use of tobacco in this shape. Ah! the republic is determined to make its citizens happy. It is a slight improvement, we flatter ourselves, on the governments of olden times." I admitted that, in my time, the laws did not exercise so thorough a control over private life and its customs. "Every thing nowadays," continued my guide, "is done in pursuance of a system. We have constantly the best men in the republic at work in search for the best mode of doing whatever has to be done. When they discover that best mode, a law is immediately passed to declare it the only mode, and all others are prohibited under heavy penalties. For instance, in former times the education of children was left to chance and to the caprice of their parents, whence it constantly happened that promising natures were ruined. Now, step in here. This is our Educational Establishment. The day after a child is born he is brought here, and intrusted to the charge of the distributor of infantine nourishment. This is the Infantine Ward, one of the best in the building. We had entered a large room, on either side of which stood cases such as were used in my time in stores for the reception of goods. Each case was provided with a small mattress and a blanket. Along the front of the cases ran a tube like a gas called supra-lacto-gune. It is composed of 15 parts of gelatin, 25 of gluten, 20 of sugar, and 40 of water, and is certified by the government chemists to be the very best article of nutrition possible. What is the average mortality now, Abdallah ?" The stout man said briefly: "Fifty-seven and a quarter per cent." "Think of that!" exclaimed my guide triumphantly; "my friend, Doctor Belphegor, assures me that in former times the mortality among babies was never less than eighty and often a hundred per cent." I said, deferentially, that though the new plan was doubtless far preferable to the old one, the children did not appear to like it, judging from their cries. "Oh! mere play! mere amusement! We like babies to cry. Out of a hundred children who don't cry, we find that exactly eighty-four and three-quarters die under six months; whereas your thorough roarers seldom fail. At fifteen months the babies are removed from this room, and pass their examination before the State Phrenological Commission. Their heads are THE INFANTINE WARD. "4th. The treatise on the happiness of the One-eyed, by SlugRug-Bug. "5th. The great speech of Bal-PulChid against ChidPul-Bal. "Then in history the candidate is expected to give the names and principal events of the reigns of the kings of Patagonia and Hudson's Bay from the time of Noah to the present day, etc., etc. In geography, he must state the mean population per square mile of the unexplored regions of the earth, etc., etc. In philosophy, he must tween aggregates and the sum of their component parts. In mathematics, he is expected to be acquainted with all the problems in trigonometry and algebra which are of no practical use whatever. And so on throughout the various branches." thoroughly examined, their mental capacities | demonstrate wherein the great All differs from recorded, and their vocation in life decided. the Universal Whole, and show the relation beOn leaving the Commissioners' room, each infant has a ticket pasted on its person, bearing the name of the trade or profession to which it is destined. Those who are to be mechanics go through a course of training to prepare them for their apprenticeship, and are then shipped to the country which is appropriated to the industry of which they are to be acolytes. Those, on the contrary, whose phrenological development justifies the Commissioners in setting them apart to be lawyers, doctors, clergymen, or men of letters, are sent to the Grand College of Peerless. This is, we flatter ourselves, the greatest establishment of the kind ever known. The course of study will astonish you. "The first thing taught at Peerless College is the Thibetan language, which is the more valuable as it ceased to be spoken about a thousand years ago. It is the basis of all other studies, and three-fifths of the student's time are devoted to it. Another important branch of study is the ancient hieroglyphs of Egypt, of which very few traces-and those unintelligible -have been preserved. But I happen to have in my pocket the last examination papers of my youngest son, who has lately graduated here. They will explain the system. Ah! here they are. You see, in languages, the candidate for a degree is examined on: "1st. The 30 books of the History of the Green Turtle, by Shah-RahPah-Shah. "2d. The 12 books of the History of the Black Elephant, by Bouf Tapouf. "3d. The 6 songs of the Cisterns of the Desert. I remarked that, though the treatment of children at Peerless was undoubtedly a new plan, the course of studies at the college reminded me, in many respects, of that pursued in my own time. "I ought to have told you," said my friend, "that, by a recent special act, parents who are ambitious of early distinction for their children are allowed to send them to private academies and fresh air. The windows were provided with telescopes of various power, commanding a radius of some fifty miles. Tied to one of the highest windows was my friend's buggy, which floated like a bird in air, ready for use. on the plan of hot-houses. The youths who | tributed through every room heat, light, water, are thus reared are placed under cover in a peculiar atmosphere, calculated to hasten the development of the brain. All that the teacher has to do is to keep the thermometer up to a certain point. In this way, children have been produced who calculated eclipses before they could speak, and cut out plans of fortifications in clay before cutting their teeth. Strange to say, at twenty or so they generally relapse into childhood." We were by this time in the street again, and I confessed to my companion that I was hungry. "Absurd I was not to think of it. Let us see: this is beef-day. Shall we step into this eating-house?" And he dragged me into an enormous room, in which about a thousand persons were dining. I noticed that all ate beef. At the end of the room four large oxen, roasted whole, lay upon immense metal dishes, and a sort of guillotine, worked by steam, was incessantly in movement cutting equal slices from each. "Let us sit down and wait for our turn. You perceive that the oxen are roasted whole. This is in consequence of a very wise law which was enacted to prevent deception on the part of the cooks. Here you can see what you eat, and you are sure of getting the worth of your money, for your portion is cut by machinery." "I think," said I, somewhat nauseated by the surrounding beefy odor, "that I would like a slice of fish." "Impossible," was my friend's answer. "I thought I said that this was beef-day. The government found, a couple of centuries ago, that human life was shortened on the average five years per person by errors and intemperance in diet. A law was therefore passed, ordaining that certain descriptions of food should be eaten on certain days and no others; likewise specifying the quantity each person should eat." "It seems to me," said I, a little nettled, "that your laws encroach mightily on individual freedom." "Tut! nonsense! I tell you that our plan is declared by the wisest men in the world to be the most conducive to health and length of life. Would it be better, think you, to let people kill or weaken themselves by giving rein to their own foolish whims ?" I did not care to argue the question, but rose and excused myself on the plea of want of appetite. My friend politely followed my example, and insisted on taking me to his house, where I might dine if I chose. We soon reached it, and my conductor ran up a flight of steps. The moment his foot touched the highest step the door opened. We entered, and I was soon lost in admiration. Mechanism had certainly wrought wonders. An electric telegraph, with some twenty wires, communicated with the various persons with whom my friend had to deal in business. By an ingenious contrivance the same set of pipes dis He apologized for the absence of his wife by saying, slyly, that she was rather vain of her appearance, and, having grown a trifle too stout of late, had gone to the doctor's to have her waist taken in three inches. I smiled, and he continued to chat pleasantly, till, of a sudden, the floor moved in front of where I was sitting, and a table loaded with eatables sprang up, just as they used to do in pantomimes. My host begged me to join him, and I sat down. No servants were visible; but the moment we had drawn our chairs to the table the carving-knife sprang up as if it had been alive, and cut several slices of roast beef from the joint. The fork then displayed equal agility in picking up a slice and placing it on a plate, while the gravy spoon drowned it in gravy. The plate then rolled rapidly to the place where I sat. At the same moment a decanter of water beside me bent over and poured out a glassful, and the salt and castors began to travel slowly round the table. I even saw the mustard-pot stop, the lid raise itself, and the silver spoon with the utmost gravity empty itself on my plate. I began to think from a concealed niche, and stretched them- | four hundred and twenty miles of it as yet; selves out to the place where my friend sat. I seven hundred more to paint. You know how noticed that the pincers held a card. he intends to do the clouds ?" "He bought an old locomotive at auction, and intends to run it along the painting while he daubs away with the brush. In this way he hopes to get through the whole sky in a morning." ""Tis for Boston, is it not?" ately tired I am!" "Out last night?" "Yes; at Mrs. Cram's-an awful crush. Cram had made a capital bargain for the ball, they say, with the cotton factory next door; so we kept it up till daylight." Almost at the same moment the gentleman in question entered. He skimmed lightly over the floor, and rubbed the toe of his right boot against my host's toe. This, I afterward under- "Yes, for their Stock Exchange, a new buildstood, was the new mode of saluting a friend-ing a hundred miles long. Ah! how despershaking hands having long ago gone out of fashion. Cazzo Bang-So Cistern was dressed like my friend; but his drawers were fantastically cut, and he wore round his neck a hempen cravat, which I understood was the height of fashion and extravagance. On his fingers I noticed a number of flint rings-the flint having superseded the diamond as soon as Professor Grobichon had discovered the secret of crystalizing carbon, and turned a whole bed of coal into diamonds of the purest water. Round his neck hung a pretty ear-horn, which, when we spoke, he contrived to fasten in his ear by a peculiar motion of the muscles. He was not deaf, my friend said; but it was the fashion to be hard of hearing. My host explained that the floors of modern houses were set on springs, and as it was contrary to the spirit of the institutions of the day to allow any element of profit to be lost, the motion which dancing imparted to the floors was used to work various kinds of mechanism. "By-the-way," said Cistern, "I've broken off with Justine-she'd only a million, after all. I wonder what she's doing now?" And he skipped to the window, fixed his eye My host and he soon fell into an animated to a telescope, and cried almost instantly: conversation. "Have you heard," said Cistern, "the lunar wire has at last been laid the whole distance? We are hourly expecting a message from the moon." "We shall at last understand, then, what was the object of the revolution, in which their great city was burnt the night before last." "As I expected, that rascal Skiggs is on my track." We followed him to the window, and by adjusting a telescope and an ear-tube, my host kindly enabled me to see and hear the lovers, who were over two miles distant. I could hear the lover murmur, in a low, tender voice: "Ah! you were my earliest love. I have so often dreamed of you!" "So have I of you," responded the young "Oh! as to that, if the State Astronomer had not been a fool, he would have perceived that the men in the moon had split on the sub-girl. ject of the tides. I saw them plain enough from my window, and I've no doubt on the subject." "Very possibly. By-the-way, how gets on your brother Lucifer with his painting?" "Hum! slowly, slowly. He's only finished "I hardly dared love you-one million of your own!" "Besides contingent prospects." "Yes, I know; you have a dropsical uncle." |