But the first peal woke Isaac, in a fright;
Who, quick as lightning, popping up his head,
Sat on his head's antipodes, in bed,

Pale as a parsnip,-bolt upright.

At length, he wisely to himself doth say,—
Calming his fears,-

"Tush! 'tis some fool has rung and run away;"
When peal the second rattled in his ears!

Shove jump'd into the middle of the floor;

And, trembling at each breath of air that stirr'd, He groped down stairs, and open'd the street-door; While Toby was performing peal the third.

Isaac eyed Toby, fearfully askant,—

And saw he was a strapper-stout and tall;
He put his question-"Pray, sir, what d'ye want?”
Says Toby,-"I want nothing, sir, at all."

"Want nothing, sir!-you've pull'd my bell, I vow,
As if you'd jerk it off the wire."

Quoth Toby,-gravely making him a bow,— "I pull'd it, sir, at your desire."

At mine!" Yes, yours; I hope I've done it well:
High time for bed, sir; I was hastening to it;
But, if you write up- Please to ring the bell,'
Common politeness makes me stop and do it."

Colman

The Charitable Barber.

A SCHOLAR of that race, whom oft we meet,
Hungry and friendless, wandering through the street,
Though bless'd with gifts, life's noblest scenes to grace,
Was forced, through want, to seek a tutor's place.

At length, when pining in extreme distress,

The starving wretch was led to hope success,
And got a sudden summons to repair
Before the guardians of a titled heir:
In Phoebus' livery dress'd from top to toe,
Our wit in this dire plight was loathe to go;
His hat, an hostler for a sieve might use,

His wig was bald, his toes peep'd through his shoes;
His hose through many a rent display'd his skin,
And a beard three weeks old adorn'd his chin:

With such a Hebrew phiz, he felt 'twas clear,
No Christian tutor ought to face a peer.
Much he desired to shave it; but, alas!
Our wit was minus razor, soap, and glass;
And, what the barbed sage esteem'd still worse,
Had nought to fee the barber in his
purse.
In this dilemma, cursing purse and beard,
At many a barber's shop he anxious leer'd;
Hoping some shaver's countenance to find,
That spoke a feeling heart and liberal mind.
At length he spied an artisan, whose face
Bespoke compassion for man's suffering race.
Bleeding with wounded pride at every pore,
Our shamefaced scholar, trembling, opes the door:
The barber greets him with a smirking air,

Bows to the ground, and then presents a chair.

Sir, you want shaving, I presume," he cries;

Then graceful on his nail a razor tries.

"Pray, sir, be seated-Jack, bring Packwood's strap, A damask towel, and a cotton cap

A basin, George-some shaving-powder, Luke-
And Tom-you friz the gentleman's peruke."
Such pompous orders much the wit distress'd,
Who to the barber thus his speech address'd:
'Unused to beg, how wretched is the task,
Alms from a stranger abject thus to ask!
To act the suppliant, galls me to the core;
Yet your compassion I must now implore.
Cash, I, alas! have none; and therefore crave,
That you, for charity, my beard will shave.”
At this request, the barber stood aghast,
And thus to his surprise gave vent at last:-
"Shave you, for charity! confound your chops!
Do men, to shave for nothing, rent such shops?
Barbers might soon retire from trade, I trow,
If all their customers resembled you:

I like your modesty; but good, my spark,
The number of this house in future mark;
For, not to mince the matter and be nice,
I never gratis shave a beggar twice.”—
No towel, soap, nor night-cap, now appear'd,
The churl with cold pump-water dabs his beard,
Selects an old notch'd razor from his case,
And without mercy flays the scholar's face:

Though at each rasp his chin was drench'd with gore,
His lot, the stoic, uncomplaining, bore;
For to poor wits the privilege belongs,
With resignation to support their wrongs

Just then, the barber's cat, in theft surprised,
Was by the shopman wofully chastised;
Puss, who less patience than the bard possess'd,
In piercing cries, her agony express'd:-
The barber, sulky and displeased before,
Now at his shopman like a trooper swore,
And with a Stentor's voice the cook-maid calls,

To know from whence proceed those hideous squalls:"Tis doubtless," cried the wit, with great hilarity,

66

"Some poor cat, by your shopman, shaved for Charity!"

Іаго.

Jones.

LAW is law-law is law; and as in such and so forth and hereby, and aforesaid, provided always, nevertheless, notwithstanding. Law is like a country dance, people are led up and down in it till they are tired. Law is like a book of surgery, there are a great many desperate cases in it. It is also like physic, they that take least of it are best off. Law is like a homely gentlewoman, very well to follow. Law is also like a scolding wife, very bad when it follows us. Law is like a new fashion, people are bewitched to get into it: it is also like bad weather, most people are glad when they get out of it.

We shall now mention a cause, called "Bullum versus Boatum:" it was a cause that came before me. The cause was as follows.

There were two farmers: farmer A. and farmer B. Farmer A. was seized or possessed of a bull: farmer B. was seized or possessed of a ferry-boat. Now, the owner of the ferry-boat, having made his boat fast to a post on shore, with a piece of hay, twisted rope-fashion, or, as we say, vulgo vocato, a hay-band. After he had made his boat fast to a post on shore; as it was very natural for a hungry man to do, he went up town to dinner: farmer A.'s bull, as it was very natural for a hungry bull to do, came down town to look for a dinner; and, observing, discovering, seeing, and spying out some turnips in the bottom of the ferry-boat, the bull scrambled into the ferry-boat; he ate up the turnips, and, to make an end of his meal,

fell to work upon the hay-band: the boat, being eaten from its moorings, floated down the river, with the bull in it: it struck against a rock; beat a hole in the bottom of the boat, and tossed the bull overboard: whereupon the owner of the bull brought his action against the boat, for runing away with the bull: the owner of the boat brought his action against the bull, for running away with the boat: And thus notice of trial was given, Bullum versus Boatum, Boatum versus Bullum.

Now the counsel for the bull began with saying: "My lord, and you gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this cause for the bull. We are indicted for running away with the boat. Now, my lord, we have heard of running horses, but never of running bulls, before. Now, my lord, the bull could no more run away with the boat, than a man in a coach may be said to run away with the horses; therefore, my lord, how can we punish what is not punishable? How can we eat what is not eatable? Or how can we drink what is not drinkable? Or, as the law says, how can we think on what is not thinkable? Therefore, my lord, as we are counsel in this cause for the bull; if the jury should bring the bull in guilty, the jury would be guilty of a bull."

The counsel for the boat observed, that the bull should be nonsuited; because, in his declaration, he had not specified what colour he was of; for thus wisely, and thus learnedly, spoke the counsel!" My lord, if the bull was of no colour, he must be of some colour; and, if he was not of any colour, what colour could the bull be of?" I overruled this motion myself, by observing, the bull was a white bull, and that white is no colour: besides, as I told my brethren, they should not trouble their heads to talk of colour in the law, for the law can colour any thing. This cause being afterwards left to a reference, upon the award, both bull and boat were acquitted; it being proved, that the tide of the river carried them both away: upon which, I gave it as my opinion, that, as the tide of the river carried both bull and boat away, both bull and boat had a good action against the water-bailiff.

My opinion being taken, an action was issued; and, upon the traverse, this point of law arose: How, wherefore, and whether, why, when, and what, whatsoever, whereas, and whereby, as the boat was not a compos-mentis evidence, how could an oath be administered? That point was soon

settled, by Boatum's attorney declaring, that, for his client, he would swear any thing.

The water-bailiff's charter was then read, taken out of the original record, in true law Latin; which set forth, in their declaration, that they were carried away either by the tide of flood, or the tide of ebb. The charter of the water-bailiff was as follows: Aquæ bailiffi est magistratus in choisi super omnibus fishibus qui habuerunt finnos et scalos, claws, shells, et talos, qui swimmare in freshibus vel saltibus riveris, lakis, pondis, cunalibus, et well boats; sive oysteri, prawni, whitini, shrimpi, turbutus solus; that is, not turbots alone, but turbots and soles both together. But now comes the nicety of the law; the law is as nice as a new-laid egg, and not to be understood by addle-headed people. Bullum and Boatum mentioned both ebb and flood, to avoid quibbling; but it being proved, that they were carried away neither by the tide of flood, nor by the tide of ebb, but exactly upon the top of high water, they were nonsuited; but such was the lenity of the court, upon their paying all costs, they were allowed to begin again, de novo. Stevens.

The Newcastle Apothecary.

A MAN in many a country town we know
Professing openly with Death to wrestle;
Entering the field against the grimly foe,
Arm'd with a mortar and a pestle.

Yet some affirm, no enemies they are;
But meet just like prize-fighters in a fair:
Who first shake hands before they box,
Then give each other plaguy knocks,
With all the love and kindness of a brother.
So, many a suffering patient saith,-
Though the apothecary fights with Death
Still they're sworn friends to one another.
A member of this Esculapian line,
Lived at Newcastle-upon-Tyne:
No man could better gild a pill;

Or make a bill;

Or mix a draught, or bleed, or blister;
Or draw a tooth out of your head;

Or chatter scandal by your bed;

Or spread a plaster.