Shal. Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog: can there be more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here? 100 Page. Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you. Evans. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. Shal. He hath wronged me, Master Page. Shal. If it be confessed, it is not redressed: is not that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he hath; at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged. Page. Here comes Sir John. Slen. Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else, of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece of Yead Miller, by these gloves. 161 Fal. Is this true, Pistol? I combat challenge of this latten bilbo. Slen. By these gloves, then, 'twas he. Nym. Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say 'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's humour on me; that is the very note of it. Slen. By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not alto Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, gether an ass. and PISTOL. Fal. Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the king? Shal. Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge. Fal. But not kissed your keeper's daughter? That is now answered. 120 Shal. The council shall know this. Fal. 'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: you'll be laughed at. Evans. Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts. Fal. Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your head: what matter have you against me? Slen. Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. Bard. You Banbury cheese! Pist. How now, Mephostophilus ! 130 Nym. Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that's my humour. you Slen. Where's Simple, my man? Can tell, cousin? Evans. Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet my Fal. What say you, Scarlet and John? Bard. Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sen tences. . 180 Evans. It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is! Bard. And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and so conclusions passed the careires. Slen. Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick: if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves. 190 Evans. So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind. Fal. You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it. Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS 200 [Kisses her. Page. Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness. [Exeunt all except Shal., Slen., and Evans. Slen. I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here. Enter SIMPLE. How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you, have you? Sim. Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas ? Shal. Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me? Slen. Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I shall do that that is reason. Shal. Nay, but understand me. Slen. So I do, sir. 220 Evans. Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it. Slen. Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says I pray you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here. Evans. But that is not the question: the question is concerning your marriage. Shal. Ay, there's the point, sir. Evans. Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page. 231 Slen. Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands. Evans. But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command to know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid? Shal. Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her? 240 Slen. I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason. Evans. Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards her. Shal. That you must. dowry, marry her? Will you, upon good Slen. I will do a greater thing than that, upon your request, cousin, in any reason. Shal. Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I do is to pleasure you, coz. love the maid? Can you Evans. It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in the ort 'dissolutely:' the ort is, according to our meaning, 'resolutely:' his meaning is good. Shal. Ay, I think my cousin meant well. Anne. The dinner is on the table; my father desires your worships' company. 271 Shal. I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne. Evans. Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace. [Exeunt Shallow and Evans. Anne. Will't please your worship to come in, sir? Slen. No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well. Anne. The dinner attends you, sir. Slen. I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow. [Exit Simple.] A justice of peace sometime may be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? yet I live like a poor gentleman born. Anne. I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come. Slen. I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did. Anne. I pray you, sir, walk in. 291 Slen. I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th' other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? be there bears i' the town? Anne. I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of. 301 Slen. I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not? Anne. Ay, indeed, sir. Slen. That's meat and drink to me, now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women, indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favoured rough things. Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE. Evans. Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house which is the way: and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner Would I were young for your sake, Mistress of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, or Anne! Re-enter ANNE PAGE. his laundry, his washer, and his wringer. Sim. Well, sir. Evans. Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desire and require her to solicit your master's desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray you, be gone: I will make an end of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come. [Exeunt. SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn. Enter FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDolph, Nym, PISTOL, and ROBIN. Fal. Mine host of the Garter! Host. What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely. Fal. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers. Host. Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot. Fal. I sit at ten pounds a week. Host. Thou'rt an emperor, Cæsar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap: said I well, bully Hector? Fal. Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels. Fal. There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift. Pist. Young ravens must have food. Fal. Which of you know Ford of this town? Pist. I ken the wight: he is of substance good. 4I Fal. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about. Pist. Two yards, and more. Fal. No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's wife: spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.' Pist. He hath studied her will, and translated her will, out of honesty into English. Nym. The anchor is deep: will that humour pass? Fal. Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels. 60 Pist. As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I. Nym. The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels. Fal. I have writ me here a letter to her: and here another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious ceillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly. Pist. Then did the sun on dunghill shine. 70 Nym. I thank thee for that humour. Fal. O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burningglass! Here's another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheater to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive. Pist. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all! Nym. I will run no base humour: here, take the humour-letter: I will keep the haviour of reputation. Fal. [To Robin] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly; Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores. Pist. Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds, And high and low beguiles the rich and poor : Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, Base Phrygian Turk! Nym. I have operations which be humours of revenge. Pist. Wilt thou revenge? Nym. By welkin and her star! Nym. With both the humours, I: I will discuss the humour of this love to Page. Pist. And I to Ford shall eke unfold How Falstaff, varlet vile, 100 His dove will prove, his gold will hold, Nym. My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness, for the t revolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humour. Pist. Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on. [Exeunt. SCENE IV. A room in DOCTOR CAIUS's house. Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY. Quick. What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement, and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find any body in the house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience and the king's English. Rug. I'll go watch. Quick. Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire. [Exit Rugby.] An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no breedbate his worst fault is, that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way: but nobody but has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is? Sim. Ay, for fault of a better. Quick. Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover's paring-knife? 21 Sim. No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard. Quick. A softly-sprighted man, is he not? Sim. Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between this and his head; he hath fought with a warrener. Quick. How say you? O, I should remember him: does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait? 31 Sim. Yes, indeed, does he. Quick. Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish Caius. Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m'en vais a la cour-la grande affaire. Quick. Is it this, sir? Caius. Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere is dat knave Rugby? Quick. What, John Rugby! John! Rug. Here, sir! Caius. You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court. 62 Rug. 'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch. Caius. By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me! Qu'ai-j'oublie! dere is some simples in my closet, dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind. [Writes. Quick. [Aside to Simple] I am glad he is so quiet: if he had been throughly moved, you should have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I'll do you your master what good I can: and the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master,-I may call hin my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds, and do all myself, Sim. [Aside to Quickly] 'Tis a great charge to come under one body's hand. Quick. [Aside to Simple] Are you avised o' that? you shall find it a great charge: and to be up early and down late; but notwithstanding,— to tell you in your ear; I would have no words of it, my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind, that's neither here nor there. Caius. You jack'nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in de park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog. [Exit Simple. Quick. Alas, he speaks but for his friend. 120 Caius. It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I will myself have Anne Page. Quick. Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer! Caius. Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby. [Exeunt Caius and Rugby. Quick. You shall have An fool's-head of your own. No, I know Anne's mind for that: never Fent. Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shal! I not lose my suit? Quick. Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book, she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye? Fent. Yes, marry, have I; what of that? Quick. Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever broke bread: we had an hour's talk of that wart. I shall never laugh but in that maid's company! But indeed she is given too much to allicholy and musing: but for you-well, go to. Fent. Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if thou seest her before me, commend me. Quick. Will I? i' faith, that we will; and I will tell your worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence; and of other wooers. now. Or any kind of light, JOHN FALSTAFF.' What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show himself a young gallant! What an unweighed behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard picked-with the devil's name!-out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings. Enter MISTtress Ford. Mrs Ford. Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house. Mrs Page. And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill. Mrs Ford. Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary. Mrs Page. Faith, but you do, in my mind. Mrs Page. What's the matter, woman? Mrs Page. the honour. what is it? Mrs Ford. If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be knighted. 50 Mrs Page. What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry. Mrs Ford. We burn daylight: here, read, Fent. Well, farewell; I am in great haste read; perceive how I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat men, as long as I have an Quick. Farewell to your worship. [Exit Fen-eye to make difference of men's liking: and yet ton.] Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not; for I know Anne's mind as well as another does. Out upon't! what have I forgot? [Exit. 180 ACT II. SCENE I. Before PAGE's house. Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter. Mrs Page. What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see. [Reads. 'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though, Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry, so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: you love sack, and so do I; would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page, at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice, that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tis not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me, Thine own true knight, he would not swear; praised women's modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like? 70 Mrs Page. Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names, sure, more, and these are of the second edition: he will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the press, when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess, and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man. |