Mrs Ford. Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very words. What doth he think of us? Mrs Page. Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury. Mrs Ford. 'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him above deck. Mrs Page. So will I: if he come under my hatches, I'll never to sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let's appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter. 100 Mrs Ford. Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him, that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! it would give eternal food to his jealousy. Mrs Page. Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he's as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause; and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance. IIO Mrs Ford, You are the happier woman. Mrs Page. Let's consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither. [They retire. Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYм. Ford. Well, I hope it be not so. Pist. Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs: Sir John affects thy wife. Ford. Why, sir, my wife is not young. Pist. He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor, Both young and old, one with another, Ford; 120 Pist. With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou, Like Sir Acteon he, with Ringwood at thy heels: Ford. What name, sir? Farewell. Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night: Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing. Away, Sir Corporal Nym! [Exit. Ford. [Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this. 131 Nym. [To Page] And this is true; I like not the humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; there's the short and the long. My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tis true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese, and there's the humour of it. Adieu. [Exit. 141 Page. The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellow frights English out of his wits. Ford. I will seek out Falstaff. you. Mrs Ford. How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy? Ford. I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go. Mrs Ford. Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now, will you go, Mistress Page? Mrs Page. Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George. [Aside to rs Ford] Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger to this paltry knight. Mrs Ford. [Aside to Mrs Page] Trust me, thought on her: she'll fit it. Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY. Mrs Page. You are come to see my daughter Anne? pray, how does Quick. Ay, forsooth; and, good Mistress Anne? 170 Mrs Page. Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk with you. [Exeunt Mrs Page, Mrs Ford, and Mrs Quickly. Page. How now, Master Ford! Ford. You heard what this knave told me, did you not? Page. Yes: and you heard what the other told me? Ford. Do you think there is truth in them? Page. Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of service. Ford. Were they his men? Ford. I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter? Page. Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head. Ford. I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to turn them together. A man may be too confident: I would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied. Page. Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes: there is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily. Enter HOST. How now, mine host! Host. How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman. Cavaleiro-justice, I say! Enter SHALLOW. 201 Shal. I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty, good Master Page! Master Page. I never heard such a drawling, affecting Page, will you go with us? we have sport in rogue. hand. Host. Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook. Shal. Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor. 210 Ford. Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you. [Drawing him aside. Host. What sayest thou, my bully-rook? Shal. [To Page] Will you go with us to behold it? My merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be. [They converse apart. Host. Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaleire? 221 Ford. None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him my name is Brook; only for a jest. Host. My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;-said I well?-and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry knight. Will you go, +An-heires? Shal. Have with you, mine host. Page. I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier. 231 Shal. Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long sword I would have made four tall fellows skip like rats. you Host. Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag? Page. Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than fight. 240 [Exeunt Host, Shal., and Page. Ford. Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page's house; and what they made there, I know not. Well, I will look further into 't: and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed. [Exit. SCENE II. A room in the Garter Inn. Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL. Fal. Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn: I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon mine honour thou hadst it not. Pist. Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence? you. Fal. Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for Go. A short knife and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go. You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you stand upon your honour Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you! 30 Pist. I do relent: what would thou more of man? Fal. Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,Quick. Your worship says very true: your worship, come a little nearer this ways. Fal. I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine own people. Quick. Are they so? make them his servants! God bless them and Fal. Well, Mistress Ford; what of her? Quick. Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, Lord! your worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all of us, I pray! Fal. Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,— Quick. Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any woman's heart; and, Í warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.. 80 Fal. But what says she to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury. Quick. Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which she thanks you a thousand times; Quick. Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart. Fal. Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her. Quick. Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too: and let me tell you in your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the other: and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth. Fal. Not I, I assure thee: setting the attraction of my good parts aside I have no other charms. III Quick. Blessing on your heart for't! Fal. But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me? Quick. That were a jest indeed! they have not so little grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves: her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; and truly Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she will and truly she deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page; no remedy. Fal. Why, I will. Quick. Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and go between you both; and in any case have a nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and the boy never need to understand any thing; for 'tis not good that children should know any wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world. Fal. Fare thee well: commend me to them both there's my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with this woman. [Exeunt Mistress Quickly and Robin.] This news distracts me! Pist. This punk is one of Cupid's carriers: Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights: Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! [Exit. Fal. Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter. Enter BARDOLPH. below would fain speak with you, and be ac- Bard. Ay, sir. Fal. Call him in. [Exit Bardolph.] Such 160 Fal. And you, sir! Would you speak with me? Ford. I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you. What's your will? [Exit Bardolph. Fal. You're welcome. Give us leave, drawer. Ford. Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook. Fal. Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you. Ford. Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are the which hath something emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open. Fal. Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. Ford. Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me: if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage. Fal. Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter. Ford. I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing. 181 Fal. Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be your servant. Ford. Sir, I hear you are a scholar,-I will be brief with you, and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your own; that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender. Fal. Very well, sir; proceed. Well, sir. 200 Ford. I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many to know what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none; unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this: 'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues; Bard. Sir John, there's one Master Brook Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.' Fal. Have you received no promise of satis- of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer; and there's my faction at her hands? harvest-home. Ford. Never. Ford. I would you knew Ford, sir, that you Fal. Have you importuned her to such a might avoid him if you saw him. purpose! Ford. Never. 221 Fal. Of what quality was your love, then? Ford. Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it. Fal. To what purpose have you unfolded this to me? Ford. When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many war-like, court-like, and learned preparations. Fal. O, sir! Fal. Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night. [Exit. Ford. What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils' additions, the names of fiends: but Cuckold! Wittol!-Cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he will trust his wife; he Fal. Would it apply well to the vehemency of will not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming your affection, that I should win what you would with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitæ preposterously. 250 bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, Ford. O, understand my drift. She dwells so than my wife with herself: then she plots, then securely on the excellency of her honour, that the she ruminates, then she devises; and what they folly of my soul dares not present itself: she is think in their hearts they may effect, they will too bright to be looked against. Now, could I break their hearts but they will effect. God be come to her with any detection in my hand, praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the my desires had instance and argument to com- hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be mend themselves: I could drive her then from revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I the ward of her purity, her reputation, her mar- will about it; better three hours too soon than a riage-vow, and a thousand other her defences, minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! which now are too too strongly embattled against cuckold! [Exit. me. What say you to't, Sir John? Ford. Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife: use your art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as any. 261 Fal. Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife. Fal. Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to me, her assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed. Ford. I am blest in your acquaintance. you know Ford, sir? Do 280 Fal. Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave!. I know him not: yet wrong him to call him poor; they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the key SCENE III. A field near Windsor. Caius. Jack Rugby! Rug. 'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet. Caius. By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he has pray his Pible well, dat he is come by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come. no Rug. He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill him, if he came. II Caius. By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him. Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him. Rug. Alas, sir, I cannot fence. Enter HOST, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE, Shal. Save you, Master Doctor Caius ! 20 Page. Now, good master doctor! Slen. Give you good morrow, sir. Caius. Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for? Host. To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my Esculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is he dead, bully stale? is he dead? 31 Caius. By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; he is not show his face. Host. Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy! Caius. I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come. Shal. He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight, you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true, Master Page? Page. Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of Host. Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully. Caius. By gar, den, I have as mush mockvater as de Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest ! by gar, me vill cut his ears. Host. He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully. Caius. Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat? Host. That is, he will make thee amends. 70 Caius. By gar, me do look he shall clapperde-claw me; for, by gar, me vill have it. Host. And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag. Caius. Me tank you for dat. Host. And, moreover, bully, but first, master guest, and Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore. [Aside to them. Page. Sir Hugh is there, is he? Host. He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well? Shal. We will do it. Page, Shal., and Slen. Adieu, good master doctor. [Exeunt Page, Shal., and Slen. Caius. By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page. Host. Let him die sheathe thy impatience, throw cold water on thy choler: go about the fields with me through Frogmore: I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried I aim? said I well? Caius. By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients. Host. For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne Page. Said I well? Caius. By gar, 'tis good; vell said. Host. Let us wag, then. Caius. Come at my heels, Jack Rugby. ACT III. 100 [Exeunt. SCENE I. A field near Frogmore. Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE. Evans. I pray you now, good Master Slender's serving-man, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic? Sim. Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the parisward, every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way. Evans. I most fehemently desire you you will also look that way. Sim. I will, sir. [Exit. ΙΟ Evans. 'Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave's costard To shallow rivers, to whose falls To shallow 20 |