Ford. A buck-basket! Fal. By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy napkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril. Ford. And how long lay you there? Fal. Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door, who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangs of three several deaths; first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of that,-a man of my kidney,-think of that,-that am as subject to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that,hissing hot,-think of that, Master Brook. Ford. In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit then is desperate; you'll undertake her no more? Fal. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding: I have received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook. Ford. 'Tis past eight already, sir. Fal. Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. [Exit. Ford. Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I sleep? Master Ford, awake! awake, Master Ford! there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford. This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself what I am I will now take the lecher; he is at my house; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame: if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me: I'll be horn-mad. [Exit. Evans. That is a good William. What is he, William, that does lend articles? 40 Will. Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus declined, Singulariter, nominativo, kic, hæc, hoc. Evans. Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark genitivo, hujus. Well, what is your accusative case? Will. Accusativo, hinc. Evans. I pray you, have your remembrance, child; accusativo, hung, hang, hog. Quick. 'Hang-hog' is Latin for bacon, I warrant you. 51 Evans. Leave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the focative case, William? Will. Genitive case! Evans. Ay. 60 Will. Genitive,-horum, harum, horum. Quick. Vengeance of Jenny's case! fie on her! never name her, child, if she be a whore. Evans. For shame, 'oman. Quick. You do ill to teach the child such words: he teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast enough of themselves, and to call 'horum:' fie upon you! 70 Evans. 'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou no understandings for thy cases and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires. Mrs Page. Prithee, hold thy peace. Evans. Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns. Will. Forsooth, I have forgot. Evans. It is qui, quæ, quod: if you forget your 'quies,' your 'quæs,' and your 'quods,' you must be preeches. Go your ways, and play; go. Mrs Page. He is a better scholar than I thought he was. Evans. He is a good sprag memory. well, Mistress Page. Fare Mrs Page. Adieu, good Sir Hugh. [Exit Sir Hugh.] Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long. [Exeunt. SCENE II. A room in FORD's house. Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD. Fal. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair's Mrs Page. Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again: he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peer out!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility and patience, to this his distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here. Mrs Ford. Why, does he talk of him? Mrs Page. Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket; protests to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery. 30 Fal. No, I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not go out ere he come? 5I Mrs Page. Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here? Fal. What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney. Mrs Ford. There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole. Fal. Where is it? 60 blance, you die, Sir John. Unless you go out disguised 70 Mrs Ford. How might we disguise him? Mrs Page. Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gown big enough for him; otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler and a kerchief, and so escape. Fal. Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather than a mischief. Mrs Ford. My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a gown above. Mrs Page. On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he is: and there's her thrummed hat and her muffler too. Run up, Sir John. Mrs Ford. Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head. Mrs Page. Quick, quick! we'll come dress you straight: put on the gown the while. 85 [Exit Falstaff. Mrs Ford. I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears she's a witch; forbade her my house and hath threatened to beat her. Mrs Page. Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards! Mrs Ford. But is my husband coming? Mrs Page. Ay, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence. Mrs Ford. We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did last time. Mrs Page. Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him like the witch of Brentford. Mrs Ford. I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight. [Exit. Mrs Page. Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough. We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do, Wives may be merry, and yet honest too: We do not act that often jest and laugh; 'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff. [Exit. Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants. Mrs Ford. Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders: your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey him: quickly, dispatch. [Exit. First Serv. Come, come, take it up. Sec. Serv. Pray heaven it be not full of knight again. First Serv. I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead. Enter FORD, Page, Shallow, Caius, and SIR HUGH EVANS. Ford. Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket, villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy against me now shall the devil be shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth! Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching! Page. Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinioned. Evans. Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog! 131 Shal. Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed. Ford. So say I too, sir. Re-enter MISTRESS FORD. Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect without cause, mistress, do I? Mrs Ford. Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty. Ford. Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah! 140 [Pulling clothes out of the basket. Page. This passes! Mrs Ford. Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone. Ford. I shall find you anon. Evans. 'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your wife's clothes? Come away. Ford. Empty the basket, I say! Mrs Ford. Why, man, why? 150 Ford. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is: my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck me out all the linen. Mrs Ford. If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death. Page. Here's no man. Shal. By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this wrongs you. 161 Evans. Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies. Ford. Well, he's not here I seek for. Page. No, nor nowhere else but in your brain. Ford. Help to search my house this one time. If I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let me for ever be your tablesport; let them say of me, 'As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his wife's leman.' Satisfy me once more; once more search with me. Mrs Ford. What, ho, Mistress Page! come you and the old woman down; my husband will come into the chamber. Ford. Old woman! what old woman's that? Mrs Ford. Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford. She Ford. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not know what's brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. works by charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our element: we know nothing. Come down, you witch, you hag, you; come down, I say! Mrs Ford. Nay, good, sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman. 190 Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE. Mrs Page. Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand. [Exeunt Ford, Page, Shal., Caius, and Evans. Mrs Page. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. Mrs Ford. Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully, methought. Mrs Page. I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er the altar; it hath done meritorious service. Mrs Ford. What think you? may we, with the warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge? 222 Mrs Page. The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of him: if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste, attempt us again. Mrs Ford. Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him? Mrs Page. Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husband's brains. If they can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers. Mrs Ford. I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed: and methinks there would be no period to the jest, should he not be publicly shamed. Mrs Page. Come, to the forge with it then; shape it: I would not have things cool. [Exeunt. SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn. Enter HOST and BARDOLPH. Bard. Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your horses: the duke himself will be tomorrow at court, and they are going to meet him. Host. What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear not of him in the court. Let me speak with the gentlemen: they speak English? Bard. Ay, sir; I'll call them to you. Host. They shall have my horses; but I'll make them pay; I'll sauce them: they have had my house a week at command; I have turned away my other guests: they must come off; I'll sauce them. Come. [Exeunt. SCENE IV. A room in FORD's house. Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS Page, Mistress FORD, and SIR HUGH EVANS. Evans. 'Tis one of the best discretions of a 'oman as ever I did look upon. Page. And did he send you both these letters at an instant? Mrs Page. Within a quarter of an hour. I rather will suspect the sun with cold Page. IO But let our plot go forward: let our wives Page. How? to send him word they'll meet him in the park at midnight? Fie, fie! he'll 30 Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest, In a most hideous and dreadful manner: The superstitious idle-headed eld Page. Why, yet there want not many that do fear In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak: 40 But what of this? Mrs Page. My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies, Finely attired in a robe of white. Page. That silk will I go buy. [Aside] And in that time Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away And marry her at Eton. Go send to Falstaff straight. Ford. Nay, I'll to him again in name of Brook: He'll tell me all his purpose: sure, he'll come. Mrs Page. Fear not you that. Go get us properties And tricking for our fairies. Evans. Let us about it: it is admirable pleasures and fery honest knaveries. 81 [Exeunt Page, Ford, and Evans. Mrs Page. Go, Mistress Ford, Send quickly to Sir John, to know his mind. [Exit Mrs Ford. I'll to the doctor: he hath my good will, her. Fal. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me; but she's gone. Sim. Pray you, sir, was 't not the wise woman of Brentford? Fal. Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her? 30 Sim. My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain or no. Fal. I spake with the old woman about it. Sim. And what says she, I pray, sir? Fal. Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it. Sim. I would I could have spoken with the woman herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too from him. Fal. What are they? let us know. Sim. I may not conceal them, sir. 42 Sim. Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page; to know if it were my master's fortune to have her or no. Fal. Tis, 'tis his fortune. Sim. What, sir? 50 Fal. To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so. Sim. May I be bold to say so, sir? Fal. Ay, sir; like who more bold. Sim. I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad with these tidings. [Exit. Host. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman with thee? Fal. Ay, that there was, nine host; one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning. Enter BARDOLPH. Bard. Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage! Host. Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto. Bard. Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses. 71 Host. They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not say they be fled; Germans are honest men. Enter SIR HUGH EVANS. Evans. Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to town, tells me |