Refs. I might as well talk to a man who has loft his hearing, or the relish of harmony, of the raptures excited by fick. The excellency of mufick, indeed, and the natural effect of harmony led by the inchanting voice of ambition, are the fame; but these men have not the fame faculty of tasting them: and, to cover their own incapacity, they would have it thought that there are no fuch objects, or faculties. But I ask them, what must be the confequence, if every man were to follow their maxim, and endeavour to make a property of them, as they study how to make a property of every body else? If ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not confumed one of another. This is the advice of infpiration, but the Apoftle fpoke nothing more than the dictate of common fenfe, and the voice of experience. The reason why these wret ches are not confumed by their own corrupted, profligate, deteftable, mean principles, is, because, thanks be to God, notwithstanding their impolitick endeavours to spread the evil, it is not become univerfal; but the reafon why our condition is fo wretched, our ruin, in all human appearance, approaching apace, is, because it is too general. It is become the bufinefs of old fellows, hardened in the ways of corruption and inhumanity, to teach the growing age an evil leffon against themselves and mankind. If a virtuous young Gentleman, in the hearing of these veterans in vice, advances fentiments becoming a rational and focial being; like a keen Eaft wind, they nip the promifing bud of probity and honour, that it may not bring forth any fruit beneficial either to publick or private life. All principle they reprefent as invented by knavery, recommended by oratory; but having no foundation in nature, no excellency in itself; practifed only by novices who are ignorant of the world, but defpifed by all wife men. After fuch a lecture from a fage tutor, fuppofed to be a perfon of more experience, knowledge and judgment, no wonder if the enlightened pupil, prompted by luft, forms a fcheme immediately to betray his friend, debauch his fifter, or his wife, perhaps the fifter or the wife of his kind mafter who fet him at liberty; if, at the inftigation of avarice, he fecretly defrauds, or openly oppreffes him; if, when cal he lifts in a combination to dethrone his prince, or enflave his fellow-fubjects; if, to compass his end, he breaks the strongest ties of nature, violates the moft facred laws, diffembles, over-reaches, over-bears, plunders, or even affaffinates. If thefe acts of violence are not oftener committed, it cannot be afcribed to any thing but the invisible hand of providence; which, in mercy, or for other wife ends of government, reftrains the licentious from acting agreeably to the direction of their fentiments, and the natural impulse of their paffions. For, what elfe can poffibly hinder the lover, fet loose from all the bonds of nature and of grace, from hiring a neceffitous perfon, as wicked as himself, to poifon or murder any one who ftands between him and the object of his paffion? what else can set bounds to a pufhing, but difappointed politician, without any fentiments of religion or humanity? what elfe can ftop the raging thirst of revenge, but that power which could fay to the foaming, toffing billows, Hither fhall ye come, and no farther? If any thing can affect fuch a debased and prostituted mind, a strong image of the dreadful, fhocking confufion and defolations that must arise to any community from the vitious felflove which I have been confidering, must do it. I would, therefore, defire one of these propagators of corruption, to imagine a community of men (if they may be called a community who are not united together by fome common ties of principle and affection) without any notions of a providence and a future ftate of rewards and punishments, without any fentiments of virtue, without any feelings of humanity, without any regard to publick good; every one purfuing his fcheme of private and feparate happinefs, following the call of his own particular tafte for pleasure, and ufing any means to gain his end, (which is the deplorable condition that these migh ty ty wife inftructors would bring us into): then let him judge, whether fuch a people would not be worse than fo many favage beafts, preying upon one another? Such notions can never answer any purpofes of real prudence, even with regard to this life only. For, if we be young, or but of middle age, we fhall probably live to see the deftruction of the nation, where-ever they prevail; in which common ruin we and our families must be involved. If we be advanced towards old age, all thofe things which we are fo intent to acquire at the expence of other peoples happiness, are not worth the trouble of acquiring. There muft be fame danger, where our scheme obliges us to make fo many enemies. There must be fame intervals of inward uneafinefs, where we continually offer violence to those natural difpofitions which no man can entirely eradicate. There can be no genuine enjoyment, where the mind is not coolly fatisfied with its own conduct upon reafonable grounds. The fenfes have in a great measure loft their relish of life. But were the happiness of fuch an old age ever fo compleat, it can be no more than the tranfient happinefs of a man going out of the world. Exquifit folly and madness! Is this troublesome, dangerous, unquiet, momentary ftate, the only recompence for the loss of an uninterrupted tranquillity and complacency of mind, the delicate pleasure of feeing others happy, the rapturous joy that overflows the heart confcious of its being the inftrument of communicating happiness? To give pain, is the bufinefs and the delight of reftlefs fiends: to give pleasure, is the employment and happiness of the most perfect and happy beings. COMMON SENSE, Feb. 16. Propofal for an academy to teach the feience of FAWNING and CRINGING. SIR, S I am a stranger newly arriv'd in to you as a perfon capable of making my name and profeffion known to the world: In which you may, perhaps, do yourself fome kindness at the fame time that you are ferving me; for you will find that I fhall foon creep into favour with fome great men in this country. So that your endeavours to promote my intereft may, perhaps, remove that prejudice which I find fome of them have conceived against yourself. To let you into my defign, I intend to fet up an academy to inftruct young Noblemen and Gentlemen to rife in the world; or in the art of growing rich. As I conceive there will, in a fhort time, be but one way in this nation whereby it will be poffible to acquire wealth, I fhall make all my scholars perfect mafters of this mystery. If I have not fufficiently explained myself, know, that I profefs the art of making court to men in power; or, in a word, I profefs the most noble and profitable science of Fawning and Cringing. Perhaps you will fay, it is a trade that cannot take any where except in an arbitrary government.-That may be a great mistake of your's. I have travell'd to all the courts of Europe, and, whereever I began to practise, I was advised, by the wifeft men of the country, to make the best of my way to England. The laft place I refided in was France; where, I must confefs, I did not meet with all that encouragement which my merit in my profeffion might juftly have intitled me to in a nation fo polite, which is entirely owing to the odd humours of the old Gentleman, who, at prefent, prefides at the head of affairs in that kingdom; who is for reviving fome antiquated maxims of government, which, I hope, will not be followed here, tho' France may lead the fashion in other things. I inftructed half a dozen very pretty fellows fo well, that I thought they might have made their way in any court of Europe; when, to my great furprise, As this country, and with the fame the old Gentleman, before mentioned, view that most other ftrangers come fignified to them, that it was expected, here, that is, to make my fortune, I that every perfon who ferved the King do myself the honour to address myself fhould have a capacity and talents to qualify qualify him particularly for the poft to which he pretended.-Was there ever fuch an unreasonable old prig? Nay, when I waited upon him myself, to offer my fervice, a domestick was fent to give me a civil whisper, and advise me never to fhew my face in his Eminency's prefence more; that men of my character were the persons with whom he was refolved never to have any communication whatsoever. However, I did not defpair of feeing a turn in my favour: for, confidering his Eminency's great age, a cold, or fome other flight indifpofition might have carried him off; and who knows but he might be fucceeded by fome perfon who might encourage our profeffion? But an unlucky adventure obliged me not to wait for fuch an event. I happened to offer my service to a man of Quality, whose private affairs were in fuch a broken condition that I thought he would have taken any good employment: but he, being a perfon of a cholerick difpofition, inftead of receiving my offer with that kindness I expected, kick'd me out of the room, in the fight of several perfons; which ftory being foon fpread about, no Gentleman would admit me into his company after for you must know, that fighting with a man, or for a man, is no part of my system; so that it was high time for me to decamp. : Being informed, that patience is a virtue much practifed in this country, both in publick and private affairs, and that kicking hath been fo much in vogue among placemen of no fmall figure, it fcarce hurts a man's reputation, flatter myself, that what difgraced me in that country, will recommend me here. As your military posts are vaftly profitable in this country, I will engage to inftruct all Gentlemen in the art of war, according to the present difcipline; I fay, I will undertake to qualify any perfon, without hinderance of any other bufinefs, for any poft in the army, from a Lieutenant-General down to an Enfign, in fo fhort a time as half an hour that is to fay, I will teach him how to look and dress, and falute at a review; as also, give him a genteel tafte in the choice of a field equipage: which, I conceive, is all in the art-military that is neceffary to be known in your land-fervice. But, as it may be of much greater confequence to put a man in a way of getting a poft, than to inftruct him how to behave when he is in it, I propose to throw in the laft, gratis, to all those who fhall pay handfomely for the first. It is well known, that the people of this nation have not naturally a good difpofition to learn this polite art; the Profeffor promifes, therefore, to take double pains. As to the method of growing rich, taught by another Profeffor, viz. by pronouncing certain monofyllables, or walking three fteps to the right, or fix to the left at the word of command; or by a nod, or by a fign; it is no more than what I would undertake to teach an afs to do in a week: befides, that fo ftupid and eafy a qualification muft (as the country grows poor) so increase the number of pretenders to employments, that it will not be worth Gentlemens while to learn. I promise to teach all my scholars fome infinuating and engaging manners, or a certain je ne fai quoi, to distinguish them from others; and that will certainly give them the preference before all other pretenders whatsoever. As fuccefs in obtaining preferment confifts in knowing the vices and follies of the great man, the skill lies in applying the flattery to the weak fide. If, for example, he happens to be fhamefully ignorant of the interefts or policies of his own, or the neighbouring countries; or, in other words, a notorious blunderer; you must be sure to extol his most profound knowledge and deep penetration in the affairs of Europe, and the great fuperiority he fhews over the minifters of other nations, when he treats with them. If his character be that of half-clown and half-buffoon, you have an ample field to expatiate upon; you must praise his agreeable wit, his fine addrefs, his e legant the Spaniel, or Setting-dog, a perfumer's, legant conversation, his eafy manner, If it happens to be fome military coward who never faw a campaign, or elfe run away in the only skirmish in which he was ever engaged; there the virtues of the hero must be laid on thick ; eve ry thing must be attributed to his courage, and you must never have done talking of his valour. In fhort, if any perfon of Quality, or private Gentleman, that intends to do me the honour to become my scholar, will but difcover who the perfon is to whom he is obliged to make court, I will put him in the way to do his business fecundum artem. Í shall make two provifos: firft, That the great man to be applied to fhall not, in any one quality, be like the old Gentleman in France; and next, That the fcholar fhall lay afide all pretenfions to modefty, as well as honour. I inftruct any Gentleman to act the part of a but to a man in power, that is, to accompany him only to be play'd upon, and take all his jokes; a method that never fails of recommending a man to fuch perfons in power as have little wit, much impudence, and no humanity. I inftruct younger brothers who have a mind to apply to rich widows, and fortune-hunters of all forts, at a reafonable price. Those who propose to advance themfelves by being pimps, bawds, runners, or fpies, &c. to men in power, may have private leffons, if they defire it. I propofe, that every fcholar fhall pay half the fum at entrance, and the reft as foon as he hath gone thro' the lectures. The Profeffor expects that every scholar fhall, at his first preferment, that is to fay, on the day he receives his patent, commiffion, &c. over and above what he paid for learning, make him a prefent to the amount of five per cent. out of his first year's falary. I propose to hire and furnish a large hotel, by way of fubfcription, in order to open my academy. In the mean time I am to be heard of at the fign of VOL. II. SIR, I have the honour to be JEAN FAINEANT. P. S. Any Gentleman who has the honour to fit in either house of; fhall be inftructed for half-price. Any Gentleman who has a very handfome wife, in the prime of her youth, or a beautiful daughter at age of maturity, shall also be instructed for halfprice. Any woman of Quality (paying a price according) may be waited on at her own houfe, and inftructed privately by my wife. UNIVERSAL SPECTATOR, Feb. 16. SIR, N our family your paper meets with a favourable reception; for which reafon I fend you this letter, as your annotations on it may be of fome fervice to me. I am fon, and at the fame time Clerk to an eminent Attorney at law in this city. I am arrived to my twentieth year; which, if ever, is a time of life to have fome little indulgences allowed me as to my private conduct. I do not, Mr Spectator, by indulgences, mean any fanction for committing actions contrary to the rules of morality: but I muft appeal to you, if it is reasonable in my father to treat me at this age as if I was a school-boy, and exercise a severity, because I am his fon, contrary to juftice, and I may fay'difcretion? Sir, I have always acted with a filial duty and tenderness towards him, and fure I have a right to expect a paternal tenderness in return; I want not licentiousness, but liberty: In fhort, for want of an allowance for pocket-money, I cannot keep company proper for my ftation of life; and to keep any beneath it, is as contrary to my interest as my inclination. A hint, Mr Stonecaftle, from I you, you, might be of service to me; for my MISERABILIS. The conduct of parents to their children has been often the serious fubject of my lucubrations; and though I am far from giving too great a scope to the liberties of young people, yet I was always of opinion, that, according to their age, there were particular liberties they fhould be indulg'd in. If the ftate of the young Gentleman is true, as it feems to be, it deferves immediate redrefs; and I would recommend to his father's reflection the following fentiments of a father only by adoption. It is the fpeech of Micio in the Adelphi of Terence; and the thoughts are as juft as they are tender and paternal. "Twas always my opinion, that 'tis much better to keep children in order by generofity, than by fear; for that man is much mistaken, who believes government, merely by force, fhould have more authority, and a better foundation, than when 'tis accompany'd with tenderness and respect. This is my logick; I argue thus: He that's compell'd by threats to do his duty, will be dutiful no longer than you are ftrict over him; but when he thinks he shall not be found out, he will follow his own inclinations: but he that is govern'd by love, obeys moft chearfully, ftrives to make his due returns of gratitude, and is the fame whether you are prefent or abfent. It is a father's duty, to ufe his child fo as his own choice, rather than constraint, fhould induce him to act well. Here lies the difference between a father and a master; and he that acts otherwise, let him own that he does not understand to govern his chil dren." - bove] allow that there are at prefent TWO HUNDRED PLACEMEN in the houfe of C-s. They reckon these at three years purchase, and give a random guefs at the property of thofe Gentlemen, who poffefs them, which they equally divide.. A most accurate method of calculation, highly worthy of that excellent computer, and great genius for expedients, who fign'd the Bank-contract, form'd Excife-fchemes, and, in commiferation of our fuffering merchants, so wifely compleated the Convention, which his worthy advocates have lately told us was fo manifeftly for the interest and advantage of England, that Spain would not put it in execution. Is it not evident, at firft fight, that by this way of jumbling, the weight of property may be afcribed to the poorest beggar? Suppofe, for inftance, I should affirm, that a certain Noble perfon, with his coachman and two footmen, had, within twenty years, rais'd from the publick a million of money; and that the faid four worthy perfons, were now actually worth 250,000 1. apiece, one with another: fhould I not be thought a ridiculous trifler, if it was known that the Honourable Knight himself was worth the whole million, and that his coachman and footmen were not worth a groat? But if I fhould farther make use of this argument, with an intention to deceive any body in matters of confequence, and pafs this coachman, or footmen, upon other perfons for the fecurity of confiderable fums of money; ought I not to be branded for a cheat? Yet, dignities and titles being laid afide, this very argument is offer'd to the people of England, and at publick expence difperfed round the nation, in order to induce Englishmen not to attempt the fecurity of their liberties by the further limitation of placemen in the house of Commons. By the above computation, places are allow'd to be worth three years purchase, and no more. Pray let it be confidered that commiffions in the army are comprehended under this calculation; and then I will ask the Gentlemen of the army, if commiffions were to be open to bargain and fale, as they have formerly been, |