N° 558. Wednesday, June 23. Qui fit, Mæcenas, ut nemo, quam sibi sortem [1714.] Militia est potior. Quid enim? concurritur? hora Cætera de genere hoc (adeo sunt multa) loquacem Hor. It is a celebrated thought of Socrates, that if all the misfortunes of mankind were cast into a publick stock, in order to be equally distributed among the whole species, those who now think themselves the most unhappy, would prefer the 5 share they are already possessed of, before that which would fall to them by such a division. Horace has carried this thought a great deal further in the motto of my paper, which implies that the hardships or misfortunes we lie under, are more easy to us than those of any other person would be, in case we could change conditions with him. IO As I was ruminating on these two remarks, and seated in my elbow-chair, I insensibly fell asleep; when, on a sudden, methought there was a proclamation made by Jupiter, that every mortal should bring in his griefs and calamities, and 15 throw them together in a heap. There was a large plain appointed for this purpose. I took my stand in the center of it, and saw with a great deal of pleasure the whole human species marching one after another, and throwing down their several loads, which immediately grew up into a prodigious mountain that seemed to rise above the clouds. There was a certain Lady of a thin airy shape, who was very active in this solemnity. She carried a magnifying glass in one of her hands, and was cloathed in a loose flowing robe, embroidered with several figures of fiends and spectres, that discovered themselves in a thousand chimerical shapes, as her garment hovered in the wind. There was something wild Her name was FANCY. and distracted in her looks. She led up every mortal to the appointed place, after having very officiously assisted him in making up his pack, and laying it upon his shoulders. My heart melted within me to see my fellow-creatures groaning under their respective burthens, and to consider that prodigious bulk of human calamities which lay before me. There were however several persons who gave me great diversion upon this occasion. I observed one bringing in a fardel very carefully concealed under an old embroidered cloak, which, upon his throwing it into the heap, I discovered to be Poverty. Another, after a great deal of puffing, threw down his luggage; which upon examining, I found to be his wife. There were multitudes of Lovers saddled with very whimsical burthens, composed of darts and flames; but, what was very odd, though they sighed as if their hearts would break under these bundles of calamities, they could not perswade themselves to cast them into the heap, when they came up to it; but after a few faint efforts, shook their heads and marched away, as heavy loaden as they came. I saw multitudes of old women throw down their wrinkles, and several young ones who stripped themselves of a tawny skin. There 5 IO 15 20 25 30 were very great heaps of red noses, large lips, and rusty teeth. The truth of it is, I was surprized to see the greatest part of the mountain made up of bodily deformities. Observing one advancing towards the heap with a larger cargo than ordinary upon his back, I found upon his near approach, that it was only a natural hump which he disposed of, with great joy of heart, among his collection of human miseries. There were likewise distempers of all sorts, though I could not but observe, that there were many more imaginary than real. One little packet I could not but take notice of, which was a complication of all the diseases incident to human nature, and was in the hand of a great many fine people: this was called the Spleen. But what most of all surprized me, was a remark I made, that there was not a single vice or folly thrown into the whole heap: at which I was very much astonished, having concluded within my self, that every one would take this opportunity of getting rid of his passions, prejudices and frailties. I took notice in particular of a very profligate fellow, who I did not question came loaden with his crimes, but upon searching into his bundle, I found that instead of throwing his guilt from him, he had only laid down his memory. He was fol. lowed by another worthless Rogue, who flung away his modesty instead of his ignorance. When the whole race of mankind had thus cast their burdens, the Phantome which had been so busie on this occasion, seeing me an idle spectator of what passed, approached towards me. I grew uneasie at her presence, when of a sudden she held her magnifying glass full before my eyes. I no sooner saw my face in it, but was startled at the shortness of it, which now appeared to me in its utmost aggravation. The immoderate breadth of the features made me very much out of humour with my own countenance, upon which I threw it from me like a mask. It happened very luckily, that one who stood by me had just before thrown down his visage, which, it seems, was too long for him. It was indeed extended to a most shameful length; I believe the very chin was, modestly speaking, as long as my whole face. We had both of us an opportunity of mending our selves, and, all the contributions being now brought in, every man was at liberty to exchange his misfortune for those of another person. But as there arose many new incidents in the sequel of my vision, I shall reserve them for the subject of my next paper. 5 N° 567. Wednesday, July 14. [1714] Inceptus clamor frustratur hiantes. Virg. I have received private advice from some of my correspondents, that if I would give my paper a general run, I should take care to season it with scandal. I have indeed observed of late, that few writings sell which are not filled with great names and illustrious titles. The Reader generally casts his eye upon a new book, and if he finds several letters separated from one another by a dash, he buys it up, and peruses it with great satisfaction. An M and an h, a Tand an r, with a short line between them, has sold many an insipid pamphlet. Nay I have known a whole edition go off by vertue of two or three well written &—'S. A sprinkling of the words Faction, Frenchman, Papist, Plunderer, and the like significant terms, in an Italick character, hath also a very good effect upon the eye of the purchaser; not to mention Scribler, Liar, Rogue, Rascal, Knave, and Villain, without which it is impossible to carry on a modern controversie. Our party-writers are so sensible of the secret virtue of an innuendo to recommend their productions, that of late they IO 15 20 25 never mention the Q- It gives a secret satisfaction to the peruser of these mysterious works, that he 5 is able to decipher them without help, and, by the strength of his own natural parts, to fill up a blank space, or make out a word that has only the first or last letter to it. Some of our Authors indeed, when they would be more satyrical than ordinary, omit only the vowels of a great man's ΙΟ name, and fall most unmercifully upon all the consonants. This way of writing was first of all introduced by T-m Br-wn of facetious memory, who, after having gutted a proper name of all its intermediate vowels, used to plant it in his works, and make as free with it as he pleased, without any danger of the statute. That I may imitate these celebrated Authors, and publish a paper which shall be more taking than ordinary, I have here drawn up a very curious libel, in which a Reader of penetration will find a great deal of concealed satyr, and if he be acquainted with the present posture of affairs, will easily dis20 cover the meaning of it. 15 25 30 "If there are four persons in the nation who endeavour to "bring all things into confusion, and ruin their native country, "I think every honest Engl-sh-m-n ought to be upon his guard. "That there are such, every one will agree with me, who hears "me name *** with his first friend and favourite ***, not to "mention *** nor ***. These people may cry Ch-rch, Ch-rch, 66 as long as they please, but, to make use of a homely proverb, "The proof of the p-dd-ng is in the eating. This I am sure "of, that if a certain Prince should concur with a certain Prelate, 66 (and we have Monsieur Z―n's word for it) our posterity "would be in a sweet p-ckle. Must the British Nation suffer "forsooth, because my Lady Q-p-t-s has been disobliged? or is "it reasonable that our English fleet, which used to be the terror of the ocean, should lie wind-bound for the sake of a 66 |