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He said, "That the next Tuesday noon would | Jolt, thinking marriage was decreed by Fate,

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I'll grant your wish," cries she, "that you may 'Twere wisdom to be govern'd still by me."

The guests upon the day appointed came,

Each bowsy farmer with his simpering dame.

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Ho! Sue!" cries Slouch, "why dost not thou appear!

Are these thy manners when aunt Snap is here?"
"I pardon ask," says Sue; "I'd not offend
Any my dear invites, much less his friend."
Slouch by his kinsman Gruffy had been taught
To entertain his friends with finding fault,
And make the main ingredient of his treat
His saying, "There was nothing fit to eat :

The boil'd pork stinks, the roast beef's not enough,
The bacon's rusty, and the hens are tough;
The veal's all rags, the butter's turn'd to oil;
And thus I buy good meat for sluts to spoil.
'Tis we are the first Slouches ever sate
Down to a pudding without plumbs or fat.
What teeth or stomach's strong enough to feed
Upon a goose my grannum kept to breed?
Why must old pigeons, and they stale, be drest,
When there's so many squab ones in the nest ?
This beer is sour; this musty, thick, and stale,
And worse than any thing, except the ale."

Sue all this while many excuses made:
Some things she own'd; at other times she laid
The fault on chance, but oftener on the maid.
Then cheese was brought. Says Slouch, "This

e'en shall roll:

I'm sure 'tis hard enough to make a bowl:
This is skim-milk, and therefore it shall go;
And this, because 'tis Suffolk, follow too."
But now Sue's patience did begin to waste;
Nor longer could dissimulation last.
"Pray let me rise," says Sue, "my dear; I'll find
A cheese perhaps may be to lovy's mind."
Then in an entry, standing close, where he
Alone, and none of all his friends, might see;
And brandishing a cudgel he had felt,
And far enough on this occasion smelt;
"I'll try, my joy!" she cried, "if I can please
My dearest with a taste of his old cheese!"
Slouch turn'd his head, saw his wife's vigorous
Wielding her oaken sapling of command, [hand
Knew well the twang: "Is't the old cheese, my
dear?

No need, no need of cheese," cries Slouch: "I'll

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Which shows us whom to love, and whom to hate,
To a young, handsome, jolly lass, made court,
And gave his friends convincing reasons for't,
That, since in life such mischief must he had,
Beauty had something still that was not bad.
Within two months, Fortune was pleas'd to send
A tinker to Clod's house, with "Brass to mend,"
The good old wife survey'd the brawny spark,
And found his chine was large, though counte-
nance dark.

First she appears in all her airs, then tries
The squinting efforts of her amorous eyes.
Much time was spent, and much desire exprest:
At last the tinker cried, "Few words are best:
Give me that skillet then; and, if I'm true,
I dearly earn it for the work I do."
They 'greed; they parted. On the tinker goes,
With the same stroke of pan, and twang of nose,
Till he at Jolt's beheld a sprightly dame
That set his native vigour all on flame.
He looks, sighs, faints, at last begins to cry,
"And can you then let a young tinker die?"
Says she, "Give me your skillet then, and try."
My skillet! Both my heart and skillet take;

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I wish it were a copper for your sake." After all this, not many days did pass, Clod, sitting at Jolt's house, survey'd the brass And glittering pewter standing on the shelf; Then, after some gruff muttering with himself, Cried, 66 Pr'ythee, Jolt, how came that skillet thine?" "You know as well as I," quoth Jolt; ""'t'en't mine; [matter But I'll ask Nan."

'Twas done; Nan told the In truth as 'twas; then cried, "You've got the better:

For, tell me, dearest, whether you would chuse
To be a gainer by me, or to lose.

As for our neighbour Clod, this I dare say,
We've beauty and a skillet more than they."

THE FISHERMAN.

TOM BANKS by native industry was taught
The various arts how fishes might be caught.
Sometimes with trembling reed and single hair,
And bait conceal'd, he'd for their death prepare,
With melancholy thoughts and downcast eyes,
Expecting till deceit had gain'd its prize.
Sometimes in rivulet quick, and water clear,
They'd meet a fate more generous from his spear.
To basket oft he'd pliant oziers turn,
Where they might entrance find, but no return.
H's net well pois'd with lead he'd sometimes throw,
Encircling thus his captives all below.

[set

But, when he would a quick destruction make,
And from afar much larger booty take,
He'd through the stream, where most descending,
From side to side his strong capacious net;
And then his rustic crew with mighty poles
Would drive his prey out from their oozy holes,
And so pursue them down the rolling flood,
Gasping for breath, and almost choak'd with mud,
Till they, of farther passage quite bereft,
Were in the mash with gills entangled left.

Trot, who liv'd down the stream, ne'er thought his beer

Was good, unless he had his water clear.

He goes to Banks, and thus begins his tale :
"Lord! if you knew but how the people rail!
They cannot boil, nor wash, nor rinse, they say,
With water sometimes ink, and sometimes whey,
According as you meet with mud or clay.
Besides, my wife these six months could not brew,
And now the blame of this all's laid on you:
For it will be a dismal thing to think

How we old Trots must live, and have no drink:
Therefore, I pray, some other method take
Of fishing, were it only for our sake."

Says Banks, "I'm sorry it should be my lot Ever to disoblige my gossip Trot:

Yet 't'en't my fault; but so 'tis Fortune tries one,
To make his meat become his neighbour's poison;
And so we pray for winds upon this coast,
By which on t'other navies may be lost.
Therefore in patience rest, though I proceed:
There's no ill-nature in the case, but need.
Though for your use this water will not serve,
I'd rather you should choak, than I should starve."

A CASE OF CONSCIENCE.

OLD Paddy Scot, with none of the best faces,
Had a most knotty pate at solving cases;
In any point could tell you, to a hair,
When was a grain of honesty to spare.
It happen'd, after prayers, one certain night,
At home he had occasion for a light
To turn Socinus, Lessius, Escobar,
Fam'd Covarruvias, and the great Navarre :
And therefore, as he from the chapel came,
Extinguising a yellow taper's flame,
By which just now he had devoutly pray'd,
The useful remnant to his sleeve convey'd.
There happen'd a physician to be by,
Who thither came but only as a spy,
To find out others' faults, but let alone
Repentance for the crimes that were his own.
This doctor follow'd Paddy; said, "He lack'd
To know what made a sacrilegious fact."

Paddy with studied gravity replies, "That's as the place or as the matter lies: If from a place unsacred you should take A sacred thing, this sacrilege would make; Or an unsacred thing from sacred place, There would be nothing different in the case; But, if both thing and place should sacred be, 'Twere height of sacrilege, as doctors all agree." "Then," says the doctor, "for more light in To put a special case, were not amiss. Suppose a man should take a Common Prayer Out of a chapel where there's some to spare?" "A Common Prayer!" says Paddy, " that

would be

A sacrilege of an intense degree."

[this,

"Suppose that one should in these holidays Take thence a bunch of rosemary or bays?"

"I'd not be too censorious in that case, But 'twould be sacrilege still from the place." "What if a man should from the chapel take A taper's end: should he a scruple make, If homeward to his chambers he should go, Whether 'twere theft, or sacrilege, or no?" The sly insinuation was perceiv'd: Says Paddy, "Doctor, you may be deceiv'd, Unless in cases you distinguish right; But this may be resolv'd at the first sight.

As to the taper, it could be no theft,
For it had done its duty, and was left:
And sacrilege in having it is none,
Because that in my sleeve I now have one."

THE CONSTABLE.

ONE night a fellow wandering without fear,
As void of money as he was of care,
Considering both were wash'd away with beer,
With Strap the constable by fortune meets,
Whose lanterns glare in the most silent streets.
Resty, impatient any one should be

So bold as to be drunk that night but he :
66 Stand; who goes there," cried Strap, "at
hours so late?

Answer. Your name; or else have at your pate."— "I wo'nt stand, 'cause I can't. Why must you

know

From whence it is I come, or where I go?"

"See here my staff," cries Strap; trembling

behold

Its radiant paint, and ornamental gold:
Wooden authority when thus 1 wield,
Persons of all degrees obedience yield.
Then, be you the best man in all the city,
Mark me! I to the Counter will commit ye."
"You! kiss, and so forth. For that never
If that be all, commit me if you dare; [spare:
No person yet, either through fear or shame,
Durst commit me, that once had heard my name."-
Pray then, what is't?"-" My name's Adultery;
And, faith, your future life would pleasant be,
Did your wife know you once committed me."

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true,

" are

I came from Windsor'; and, if some folks knew
As much as I, it might be well for you."
"Lord, Paul! what is't?"-"Why give me some-
thing for't,

This kiss; and this. The matter then is short:
The parliament have made a proclamation,
Which will this week be sent all round the nation;
That maids with little mouths do all prepare
On Sunday next to come before the mayor,
And that all bachelors be likewise there :
For maids with little mouths shall, if they please,
From out of these young men choose two apiece."
Betty, with bridled chin, extends her face,
And then contracts her lips with simpering grace,
Cries, "Hem! pray what must all the huge ones do
For husbands, when we little mouths have two?”

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"Hold, not so fast," cries he; " pray pardon

me:

She needed not much courtship to be kind, He ambles on before, she trots behind;

Maids with huge, gaping, wide mouths, must have For little Bobby, to her shoulders bound, three."

Betty distorts her face with hideous squall, And mouth of a foot wide begins to bawl, "Oh! ho! is't so? The case is alter'd, Paul. Is that the point? I wish the three were ten; I warrant I'd find mouth, if they'll find men."

HOLD FAST BELOW.

THERE was a lad, th' unluckiest of his crew,
Was still contriving something bad, but new.
His comrades all obedience to him paid,
In executing what designs he laid:

'Twas they should rob the orchard, he'd retire,
His foot was safe whilst theirs was in the fire.
He kept them in the dark to that degree,
None should presume to be so wise as he;
But, being at the top of all affairs,
The profit was his own, the mischief theirs.
There fell some words made him begin to doubt,
The rogues would grow so wise to find him out;
He was not pleas'd with this, and so next day
He cries to them, as going just to play,
"What a rare jack-daw's nest is there! look up,
You see 'tis almost at the steeple's top."

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Ah," says another, "we can have no hope Of getting thither to 't without a rope." Says then the fleering spark, with courteous grin, By which he drew his infant cullies in ;

66

Nothing more easy; did you never see How, in a swarm, bees, hanging bee by bee, Make a long sort of rope below the tree. Why mayn't we do the same, good Mr. John? For that contrivance pray let me alone. Tom shall hold Will, you Will, and I'll hold you; And then I warrant you the thing will do. But, if there's any does not care to try, Let us have no jack-daws, and what care I!" That touch'd the quick, and so they soon comNo argument like that was e'er denied, [plied, And therefore instantly the thing was tried. They hanging down on strength above depend: Then to himself mutters their trusty friend, "The dogs are almost useless grown to me, I ne'er shall have such opportunity To part with them; and so e'en let them go." Then cries aloud, "So ho! my lads! so ho! You're gone, unless ye all hold fast below. They've serv'd my turn, so 'tis fit time to drop

them;

The Devil, if he wants them, let him stop them."

THE BEGGAR WOMAN.

A GENTLEMAN in hunting rode astray,
More out of choice, than that he lost his way:
He let his company the hare pursue,

For he himself had other game in view:
A beggar by her trade; yet not so mean,
But that her cheeks were fresh, and linen clean.
Mistress," quoth he, "and what if we two
Retire a little way into the wood?" [shou'd

Hinders the gentle dame from ridding ground.
He often ask'd her to expose; but she
Still fear'd the coming of his company.
Says she, "I know an unfrequented place,
To the left hand, where we our time may pass,
And the mean while your horse may find some

grass."

Thither they come, and both the horse secure;
Then thinks the squire, I have the matter sure.
She's ask'd to sit : but then excuse is made,
"Sitting," says she, "'s not usual in my trade:
Should you be rude, and then should throw me
down,

I might perhaps break more backs than my own."
He smiling cries,
46 Come, I'll the knot untie,
And, if you mean the child's, we'll lay it by."
Says she, "That can't be done, for then 'twill cry.
I'd not have us, but chiefly for your sake,
Discover'd by the hideous noise 'twould make.
Use is another nature, and 'twould lack,
More than the breast, its custom to the back."
Then," says the gentleman, "I should be loth
To come so far and disoblige you both:
[do?"
Were the child tied to me, d'ye think, 'twould
"Mighty well, sir! Oh, Lord! if tied to you!"

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With speed incredible to work she goes, And from her shoulder soon the burthen throws; Then mounts the infant with a gentle toss Upon her generous friend, and, like a cross, The sheet she with a dextrous motion winds, Till a firm knot the wandering fabric binds.

The gentleman had scarce got time to know What she was doing; she, about to go, Cries," Sir, good b'ye; ben't angry that we part, I trust the child to you with all my heart: But, ere you get another, 't'en't amiss To try a year or two how you'll keep this."

THE VESTRY.

WITHIN the shire of Nottingham there lies
A parish fam'd, because the men were wise:
Of their own strain they had a teacher sought,
Who all his life was better fed than taught.
It was about a quarter of a year
Since he had snor'd, and eat, and fatten'd there;
When he the house-keepers, their wives, and all,
Did to a sort of parish-meeting call;
In little time would turn to all their good. [find,
Promising something, which, well understood,

When met, he thus harangues: "Neighbours, I
That in your principles you're well inclin'd:
But then you're all solicitous for Sunday;
None seem to have a due regard for Monday,
Most people then their dinners have, to seek,
As if 'twere not the first day of the week;

But, when you have hash'd meat and nothing more,
You only curse the day that went before.
On Tuesday all folks dine by one consent,
And Wednesdays only fast by parliament,
But fasting sure by Nature ne'er was meant.
The market will for Thursday find a dish,
And Friday a proper day for fish;
After fish, Saturday requires some meat;
On Sunday you're obliged by law to treat;

And the same law ordains a pudding then,
To children grateful, nor unfit for men.
Take hens, geese, turkies, then, or something light,
Because their legs, if broil'd, will serve at night,
And, since I find that roast beef makes you sleep,
Corn it a little more, and so 'twill keep.
Roast it on Monday, pity it should be spoil'd;
On Tuesday mutton either roast or boil'd.
On Wednesday should be some variety,
A loin or breast of veal, and pigeon-pye,

On Thursday each man of his dish make choice,
'Tis fit on market-days we all rejoice.
And then on Friday, as I said before,
We'll have a dish of fish, and one dish more.
On Saturday stew'd beef, with something nice,
Provided quick, and toss'd up in a trice,
Because that in the afternoon, you know,
By custom, we must to the ale-house go;
For else how should our houses e'er be clean,
Except we gave some time to do it then?
From whence, unless we value not our lives,
None part without rememb'ring first our wives.
But these are standing rules for every day,
And very good ones, as I so may say:
After each meal, let's take a hearty cup;
And where we dine, 'tis fitting that we sup.
"Now for the application, and the use:

I found your care for Sunday an abuse:
All would be asking, Pray, sir, where d'you dine?
I have roast beef, choice venison, turkey, chine:
Every one's hawling me. Then say poor I,
It is a bitter business to deny;

But, who is't cares for fourteen meals a day,
As for my own part, I had rather stay,

[there,

And take them now and then,-and here and
According to my present bill of fare.
You know I'm single: if you all agree
To treat by turns, each will be sure of me."
The vestry all applauded with a hum,
And the seven wisest of them bade him come.

THE MONARCH.

WHEN the young people ride the Skimmington,
There is a general trembling in a town:
Not only he for whom the person rides
Suffers, but they sweep other doors besides;
And by that hieroglyphic does appear
That the good woman is the master there.
At Jenny's door the barbarous heathens swept,
And his poor wife scolded until she wept ;
The mob swept on, whilst she sent forth in vain
Her vocal thunder and her briny rain.
Some few days after, two young sparks came there,
And whilst she does her coffee fresh prepare,
One for discourse of news the master calls,
Tother on this ungrateful subject falls.
"Pray, Mrs. Jenny, whence came this report,
For I believe there's no great reason for't,
As if the folks t'other day swept your door,
And half a dozen of your neighbours more?"
"There's nothing in't," says Jenny; "that is done
Where the wife rules, but here I rule alone,
And, gentlemen, you'd much mistaken be,
If any one should not think that of me.
Within these walls, my suppliant vassals know
What due obedience to their prince they owe,
And kiss the shadow of my papal toe.

My word's a law; when I my power advance,
There's not a greater monarch ev'n in France.
Not the mogul or czar of Muscovy,
Not Prester John, or cham of Tartary,
Are in their houses monarch more than I.
My house my castle is, and here I'm king,
I'm pope, I'm emperor, monarch, every thing.
What though my wife be partner of my bed,
The monarch's crown sits only on this head."

His wife had plaguy ears, as well as tongue, And, hearing all, thought his discoure too long: Her conscience said, he should not tell such lies, And to her knowledge such; she therefore cries, D'ye hear-you-Sirrah-Monarch-there?

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And grind the coffee—or l'll crack your crown."

JUST AS YOU PLEASE; OR,

THE INCURIOUS.

A VIRTUOSO had a mind to see
One that would never discontented be,
But in a careless way to all agree.
He had a servant, much of Esop's kind,
Of personage uncouth, but sprightly mind:
"Humpus," says he, "I order that you find
Out such a man, with such a character,
As in this paper now I give you here;
Or I will lug your cars, or crack your pate,
Or rather you shall meet with a worse fate,
For I will break your back, and set you strait.
Bring him to dinner." Humpus soon withdrew,
Was safe, as having such a one in view
At Covent Garden dial, whom he found
Sitting with thoughtless air and look profound,
Who, solitary gaping without care,
Seem'd to say, "Who is't? wilt go any where?"

Says Humpus, "Sir, my master bade me pray
Your company to dine with him to-day."
He snuffs; then follows; up the stairs he goes,
Never pulls off his hat, nor cleans his shoes,
But, looking round him, saw a handsome room,
And did not much repent that he was come;
Close to the fire he draws an elbow-chair,
And, lolling easy, doth for sleep prepare.
In comes the family, but he sits still,
Thinks, "Let them take the other chairs that
will!"

The master thus accosts him, "Sir, you're wet, Pray have a cushion underneath your feet." | Thinks he, "If I do spoil it, need I care? I see he has eleven more to spare."

Dinner's brought up; the wife is bid retreat, And at the upper end must be his seat. "This is not very usual," thinks the clown: But is not all the family his own? And why should I, for contradiction's sake, Lose a good dinner, which he bids me take? If from this table she discarded be, What need I care! there is the more for me." After a while, the daughter's bid to stand, And bring him whatsoever he'll command. Thinks he, "The better from the fairer hand!" Young master next must rise, to fill him wine, And starve himself, to see the booby dine:

He does. The father asks, "What have you there?

How dare you give a stranger vinegar?"
Sir, 'twas Champagne I gave him."-" Sir, indeed!
Take him and scourge him till the rascal bleed;
Don't spare
him for his tears or age: I'll try
If cat-of-nine-tails can excuse a lie." [lieve;
Thinks the clown, "That 'twas wine I do be-
But such young rogues are aptest to deceive:
He's none of mine, but his own flesh and blood,
And how know I but 't may be for his good?"

When the desert came on, and jellies brought,
Then was the dismal scene of finding fault:
They were such hideous, filthy, poisonous stuff,
Could not be rail'd at, nor reveng'd enough.
Humpus was ask'd who made them. Trembling he
Said, "Sir, it was my lady gave them me."-
No more such poison shall she ever give,
I'll burn the witch; 't'ent fitting she should live :
Set faggots in the court, I'll make her fry;
And pray, good sir, may't please you to be by?"
Then, smiling, says the clown, "Upon my life,
A pretty fancy this, to burn one's wife!

And, since I find 'tis really your design, [mine." Pray let me just step home, and fetch you

OF DREAMS.

For, if burnt milk should to the bottom stick,
Like over-heated zeal, 'twould make folks sick.
Into the milk her flour she gently throws,
As valets now would powder tender beaux :
The liquid forms in hasty mass unite
Forms equally delicious, as they're white,
In shining dish the hasty mass is thrown,
And seems to want no graces but its own.
Yet still the housewife brings in fresh supplies,
To gratify the taste, and please the eyes.
She on the surface lumps of butter lays,
Which, melting with the heat, its beams displays;
From whence it causes, wondrous to behold,
A silver soil bedeck'd with streams of gold!

II. A HEDGE-HOG AFTER A QUAKING-PUDDING. As Neptune, when the three-tongu'd fork he takes,

With strength divine the globe terrestrial shakes,
The highest hills, Nature's stupendous piles,
Break with the force, and quiver into isles;
Yet on the ruins grow the lofty pines,
And snow unmelted in the vallies shines:
Thus when the dame her hedge-hog-pudding
Her fork indents irreparable streaks. [breaks,
The trembling lump, with butter all around,
Seems to perceive its fall, and then be drown'd;
And yet the tops appear, whilst almonds thick
With bright loaf-sugar on the surface stick.

For a dream cometh through the multitude of III. PUDDINGS OF VARIOUS COLOURS IN A DISH. business.

ECCLES. V. 4.

Somnia, quæ ludunt mente volitantibus umbris, Non delubra deûm nec ab æthere numina mittunt, Sed sibi quisque facit, &c.

PETRONIUS.

THE flitting dreams, that play before the wind,
Are not by Heaven for prophesies design'd;
Nor by ethereal beings sent us down,
But each man is creator of his own:
For, when their weary limbs are sunk in ease,
The souls essay to wander where they please;
The scatter'd images have space to play,
And night repeats the labours of the day.

I

THE ART OF MAKING PUDDINGS.

I. HASTY PUDDING.

SING of food, by British nurse design'd,
To make the stripling brave, and maiden kind.
Delay not, Muse, in numbers to rehearse

The pleasures of our life, and sinews of our verse.
Let pudding's dish, most wholesome, be thy theme,
And dip thy swelling plumes in fragrant cream.
Sing then that dish so fitting to improve
tender modesty and trembling love;
Swimming in butter of a golden hue,
Garmish'd with drops of rose's spicy dew.
Sometimes the frugal matron seems in haste,
Nor cares to beat her pudding into paste:
Yet milk in proper skillet she will place,
And gently spice it with a blade of mace;
Then set some careful damsel to look to't,
And still to stir away the bishop's-foot;

You, painter-like, now variegate the shade, And thus from puddings there's a landscape made. And Wise and London', when they would dispose So mix their colours, that each different plant Their ever-greens into well-order'd rows, Gives light and shadow as the others want.

IV. MAKING OF A GOOD PUDDING GETS A GOOD HUSBAND.

YE virgins, as these lines you kindly take, So may you still such glorious pudding make, That crouds of youth may ever be at strife, To gain the sweet-composer for his wife!

V. SACK AND SUGAR TO QUAKING-PUDDING. "OH, delicious!"

But where must our confession first begin, If sack and sugar once be thought a sin?

VI. BROILED PUDDING.

HID in the dark, we mortals seldom know.
From whence the source of happiness may flow:
Who to broil'd pudding would their thoughts have
bent

From bright Pewteria's love-sick discontent?
Yet so it was, Pewteria felt love's heat
In fiercer flames than those which roast her meat.
No pudding's lost, but may with fresh delight
Be either fried next day, or broil'd at night.

VII. MUTTON PUDDING.

BUT mutton, thou most nourishing of meat,
Whose single joint may constitute a treat;
When made a pudding, you excel the rest
As much as that of other food is best!

The two royal gardeners. KING. 2 A loin. KING.

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