knowing what I did, I whipped the pudding into my mouth, hot as a burning coal; it was impossible to conceal my agony-my eyes were starting from their sockets. At last, in spite of shame and resolution, I was obliged to drop the cause of torment on my plate. Sir Thomas and the ladies all compassionated my misfortune, and each advised a different application; one recommended oil, another water, but all agreed that wine was the best for drawing out fire; and a glass of sherry was brought me from the sideboard, which I snatched up with eagerness. But oh! how shall I tell the sequel? whether the butler by accident mistook, or purposely designed to drive me mad, he gave me the strongest brandy, with which I filled my mouth, already flayed and blistered. Totally unused to ardent spirits, with my tongue, throat, and palate as raw as beef, what could I do? I could not swallow, and, clapping my hand upon my mouth, the cursed liquor squirted through my nose and fingers like a fountain, over all the dishes; and I was crushed by bursts of laughter from all quarters. In vain did Sir Thomas reprimand the servants, and Lady Friendly chide her daughters; for the measure of my shame and their diversion was not yet complete To relieve me from the intolerable state of perspiration which this accident caused, without considering what I did, I wiped my face with that ill-fated handkerchief, which was still wet from the consequences of the fall of Xenophon, and covered all my features with streaks of ink in every direction. The Baronet himself could not support this shock, but joined his lady in the general laugh; while I sprung from the table in despair, rushed out of the house, and ran home in an agony of confusion and disgrace, equal to that which the most poignant sense of guilt could have excited. Thus, without_having_deviated from the path of moral rectitude, I am suffering torments like a "goblin damned." The lower half of me has been almost boiled, my tongue and mouth grilled, and I bear the mark of Cain upon my forehead; yet these are but trifling considerations, to the everlasting shame which I must feel whenever this adventure shall be mentioned. Perhaps by your assistance, when my neighbours know how much I feel on the occasion, they will spare a bashful man, and (as I am just informed my poultice is ready) I trust you'll excuse the haste in which I retire. A TRAVELLER STOPPED AT A WIDOW'S A traveller stopped at a widow's gate; The chambermaid's sides were ready to crack, And though, 'tis confess'd, that the prejudice goes A bag full of gold on the table he laid, It had a wond'rous effect on the widow and maid, The money immediately altered the case, They were charm'd with his hump, and his snout, and his face, Though he still might have frightened the devil. He paid like a prince, gave the widow a smack, C THE ORPHAN BOY. Stay, Lady! stay, for mercy's sake, And my brave father's hope and joy; Poor foolish child!-how pleased was I, And see the lighted windows flame! To force me home my mother soughtShe could not bear to see my joy; For with my father's life 'twas bought, And made me a poor Orphan Boy! The people's shouts were long and loud, My mother, shuddering, closed her ears! "Rejoice! rejoice!" still cried the crowd; My mother answer'd with her tears. "Why are you crying thus," said I, "While others laugh and shout for joy?" She kiss'd me, and with such a sigh, She call'd me her poor Orphan Boy! "What is an Orphan Boy?" I said; "When suddenly she gasp'd for breath, And her eyes closed-I shriek'd for aidBut, ah! her eyes were closed in death! My hardships since I will not tell; But now no more a parent's joy- THE MONK AND THE JEW; OR, THE CATHOLIC CONVERT. To make new converts truly bless'd, Stern Winter, clad in frost and snow, A limb of the Mosaic law, His outstretch'd hand he quick withdrew- "Turn Christian first," the father cries. "I'm froze to death!" the Jew replies. "Froze!" quoth the monk; " too soon you'll know, "There's fire enough for Jews below. "Renounce your unbelieving crew, "And help is near."-" I do, I do!" "D-n all your brethren great and small." "With all my heart-oh d-n 'em all! "Now help me out."-" There's one thing more: "Salue this cross, and Christ adore." 66 There, there! I Christ adore !"""Tis well; "Thus arm'd, defiance bid to hell. "And yet another thing remains, "Drag, drag me out; I freeze, I die!" "Saint Peter will your soul receive. His convert launch'd beneath the ice! THE THREE HUNCHBACKED MINSTRELS. Not far from Thessaly there lived a knight, Uglier than knight was ever seen before; Indeed, he seem'd more like some elfin sprite, For scarce a human form the urchin bore: His growth had been so miserably stinted, That three-foot-five was all our knight could claim; Humpback'd to boot; besides all this, he squinted, And walk'd, or rather limp'd, most grievous lame. But when you hear this man possess'd a wife, The prettiest too of all the country round, Perchance you'll wonder; but observe, through life, Matches like this, will frequently be found. The secret was, the knight had lands and wealth, And this is often reckon'd a great merit; At least in those not bless'd with too much health, For then the widow never would inherit. But to our tale-Before his gate, one morn, Three humpback'd minstrels all appeared in view; And being weary, hungry, and forlorn, Offer'd, for meat and drink, their skill to shew. The knight agreed-but when their song was o'er, (Mayhap you'll say it wasn't very civil ; ) He swore if e'er they came before him more, He'd kick both harps and minstrels to the devil! Then closed his gates; the harpers hied away, E'en glad to find their bones were left them whole; |