CHAPTER IV.

AN UNFINISHED SKETCH BY HERSELF. Self-examination.-A Retrospect.-Decline of Religion.-Orphan-◄ age.-Restraints of Childhood.-A Mother's Care.-An Aunt's Praises. A Minister's Influence. - Death of a Grandfather. Lady Glenorchy and her Household.—Their Habits and Example. -Goes to a French School in Rotterdam.-Its effect upon her religious Character.

HER religious history up to this period will be best given in the words of an unfinished paper written by herself immediately after her mother's death.

"New York, Thursday, August 18, 1814.

“A day set apart by the General Assembly for

humiliation and prayer.

}

"Heard Mr. Bogue preach from Zephaniah, i., 12, latter clause of the verse: 'And punish the men that are settled on their lees; that say in their heart, The Lord will not do good, neither will he do evil.' He mentioned a number of characters who use such language, and what he said was very good, but I thought that he came short in not speaking more particularly to Christians. Those who seem to walk before God with their whole heart, whose lives and conversation seem void of offense, have most need to search their hearts. We are apt to be settled upon our lees. We live in such a day of Gospel light that it is rather re

spectable than otherwise to be Christians. There are, indeed, those who spend their days in all manner of riot and dissipation; but there are a good number of real believers, of outwardly decent character, that are under no temptation to go out into the world which lieth in wickedness, having so many to keep us in countenance. For my part, with the deepest humiliation and contrition, I would be this day a witness against myself. When I look back on my past life, and all the way by which the Lord my God has led me, I am ashamed and confounded; and were it not that He hath found out a way by which He can be just, yet the justifier of him that believeth, I could not dare to approach Him, but would be compelled to sit down in despair, and never more open my mouth before Him.

"I am this day, in a particular manner, called to mourn and to rejoice. I am now an orphan. 'My father and my mother have forsaken me.' My father I never knew. It pleased God to take him away before I could be sensible of the loss; but for the space of forty years I have been blessed with the most exemplary of mothers. Although she deeply bewailed her unfaithfulness to her children, I can testify to her faithfulness to me in the best things. The nature of her business exposed her to many temptations from which I am freed; but the Sabbath was always a sign between her and her God. I have always been kept from openly breaking the Sabbath.

"I mean not to record here a history of her life, or

even of her last illness, but strictly to call myself to account for my conduct from my youth until now; to enumerate the many advantages I have enjoyed, and then compare my subsequent conduct.

"As long as I can remember, I daily received religious instructions from my mother. She taught me to read, and daily made me learn the Shorter Catechism and portions of Scripture. I recollect, as early as when eight or nine years old, having something like religious exercise. I yielded to my sisters and others from a principle of religion, and I was so still and quiet that they used to call me 'the little pigeon.' But the corruption in me had not been called into exercise.

"I staid eleven months with my aunt in Glasgow. She was very partial to me, praising me to every body, and I soon began to think myself a nonsuch. This taught me a lesson which I desire ever to remember-not to seek the praise of men, and not to praise my children before their faces.

"In 1780 we removed [to Edinburgh], and for several years I recollect nothing but childish vanity and folly. Dr. Davidson, formerly Mr. Randal, conceived a great regard for me, and was pleased to fix upon me as a companion for his eldest daughter, who was extremely volatile. I went, for a length of time, to his house every evening, to study my lessons with Sally, was present at their family worship, and sat in his pew on the Sabbath. Many, very many are the instructions I received from that man of God, and

accordingly I had something like exercise. I remember my ever making conscience of reading God's Word, and singing His praises, and praying to Him every day in private.

"In February, 1783, my grandfather died, which made a considerable impression on my mind. I prayed and cried to the Lord only to give me the portion of His people, and I would ask no other. I prayed that He would hedge me in, and keep me in a right way; that, if I ever forsook Him, He would chastise me, only never take His loving-kindness from me. Often, often have I prayed in this manner, when my conduct was in direct opposition to my prayers; but blessed be my God who has answered my prayers. He has repeatedly chastised me, visiting my transgressions with a rod, and my iniquity with stripes; nevertheless, His loving-kindness has He not utterly taken from me, nor suffered His faithfulness to fail.

"About the month of November, 1783, I went to Barnton [a seat of her ladyship's], four miles from Edinburgh, to live in the family of my much revered patroness and exemplary friend, Lady Glenorchy, where I remained until the summer following. Oh, what have I not to answer for what I saw in that family. It was, indeed, a little heaven upon earth. Never, before or since, have I seen such exemplary conduct. The family consisted of Lady Glenorchy [now thirteen years a widow], Lady Harriet [or Henrietta], Hope [eldest daughter of the Earl of Hopetoun, who

had resided with Lady Glenorchy since the earl, her father's death, 1781, adding, as Lady Glenorchy's biographer says, 'much to the comfort of her life,' from her clear, vigorous, and evangelical spirit], Miss M'Dowall, the chaplain [the Rev. Dr. T. S. Jones], and myself. Lady Glenorchy was in very ill health during the whole of the winter, never getting out to church or any other place except once on the Sabbath, and sometimes not that; yet I never remember seeing a frown on her countenance or hearing her utter a murmuring word. She was even then deprived of her favorite employment, visiting and relieving the poor. But they did not suffer on that account. She had many almoners. My mother was often honored with that office.* In 1783, when there was a great scarcity, she furnished her friends with tickets, receivable at different shops, and commanding necessaries of life for those who were in want. She had a large room, which she called her wardrobe, hung round with coarse but comfortable garments, which had previously furnished work to many persons in the different stages of spinning, weaving, and making up. She likewise kept all kinds of simple medicines by her for the use of the sick. Her mansion was elegant, and her grounds tastefully laid out;† and, like the great, she had two porters' lodges at the gate.

*So, also, as she often told us, was young Joanna herself, whom Lady Glenorchy used, on such occasions, to call her little almoner. It was part of the education she bestowed on her young protegé. + Barnton was sold for £28,000.