day at the house of a Mrs Tottenham, a lady of property, residing at 54 Berners Street, who had, for some reason, fallen under the displeasure of this formidable trio. Scarce had the eventful morning begun to break ere the neighbourhood resounded with cries of "sweep," uttered in every variety of tone, and proceeding from crowds of sooty urchins and their masters who had assembled by five o'clock beneath the windows of the devoted No. 54. In the midst of the wrangling of the rival professors, and the protestations of the repudiating housemaid, heavy waggons laden with chaldrons of coals from the different wharves, came rumbling up the street, blocking the thoroughfare, impeding one another, crushing and struggling to reach the same goal, amid a hurricane of imprecations from the respective conducteurs. Now among the gathering crowd, cleanly, cook-like men were to be seen, cautiously making their way, each with a massive wedding cake under his arm; tailors, bootmakers, upholders, undertakers with coffins, draymen with beer-barrels, &c., succeeded in shoals, and long before the cumbrous coalwaggons were enabled to move off, about a dozen travelling chariots and four, all ready for the reception of as many "happy pairs," came dashing up to the spot. Medical men with instruments for the amputation of limbs, attorneys prepared to cut off entails, clergy man summoned to minister to the mind, and artists engaged to pourtray the features of the body, unable to draw near in vehicles, plunged manfully into the mob. Noon came, and with it about forty fishmongers, bearing forty "cod and lobsters; as many butchers with as many legs of mutton; and as the confusion reached its height, and the uproar became terrific, and the construction of the poor old lady grew to be bordering on temporary insanity, up drove the great Lord Mayor himself state carriage, cocked hat, silk stockings, big wigs and all, to the intense gratification of Hook and his two associates, who, snugly ensconced in an apartment opposite, were witnessing the triumph of their scheme. All this, perhaps, was comparatively commonplace, and within the range of a mediocre "joker of jokes." There were features, however, in the hoax, independent of its originality, which distinguished it for wit and méchanceté far above any of the numberless imitations to which it gave rise. Every family, it is said, has its secret, some point tender to the touch, some circumstance desirable to be suppressed; according to the proverb, "there is a skeleton in every house," and, as a matter of course, the more eminent and conspicuous the master of the house, the more busy are men's tongues with his private affairs, and the more likely are they to get scent of any concealed subject of annoyance. Completely familiar with London gossip, and by no means scrupulous in the use of any information he might possess, Hook addressed a variety of persons of consideration, taking care to introduce allusion to some peculiar point sure of attracting attention, and invariably closing with an invitation to No. 54 Berners Street. Certain revelations to be made respecting a complicated system of fraud pursued at the Bank of England brought the governor of that establishment; a similar device was employed to allure the chairman of the East India Company, while the Duke of Gloucester started off with Colonel Dalton to receive a communication from a dying woman, formerly a confiden tial attendant on his Royal Highness's mother; his were the royal liveries conspicuous on that occasion. NEW YEAR'S DAY.-Hail! happy day! amiable season! when ill-timed offences of the past are forgotten in the well-timed present! and friendly gifts, like jobbing tailors, are charitably employed in repairing old breaches! Doctors are sending in their bills for draughts, wistfully looking for drafts in return for their bills; and birds are sending their bills into the barky trees for food! Banks are broken, and brooks in vain attempt to run, for Jack Frost, like a hard creditor, arrests them in their course; and there's no bailing them out! Yes! ships are frozen in, gardeners frozen out, and rivers frozen up! The parish pumps are dry, and the dancingmasters in full play; and even little urchins, when it snows, give balls! Elderly maidens who issue forth in hopes of catching pretty men, return home with ordinary chaps! Thrice pleasant day! when family parties assemble in one smiling circle, when near relations, once distant, are now invited, and garrulous grandmamas tell funny stories, making dutiful grandchildren laugh at their relations! Delightful period of social intercourse! when good matches are brought in contact with lively sparks! Season of singular coincidences! when pastry cooks and profit urge one class, and love and pleasure another, to break the ice! Sere and withered branches without their leaves, are lopped and chopped into fagotsand many a housemaid full of life (like the dead of old) is crossing the sticks fated to be burnt! Many happy returns!" which end in nothing, are wished by shallow friends; and the best returns," which end in smoke, are puffed forth by labourers and apple-women! Modern belles appear decked in fringes of fur (wrapping their chilly chins in chinchilly boas), and modern eaves in fringes of icicles! while careful old folks go out to recruit their bodies and list their soles! AS S a warning against punning, Theodore Hook wrote the following verses for young readers, to afford a warning and exhibit a deformity to be avoided, rather than an example to be followed : My little dears, who learn to read, That very silly thing indeed, Which people call a PUN. |