ON being complimented on a beautiful pair

of carriage horses one day, Foote replied, "Yes, I am never without a set of duns in my retinue; but with this difference, that in the summer I drive the duns, and in the winter the duns drive me."

SITTING in a coffee-room one day, and a dog being very troublesome, Foote bade the waiter kick him out. The waiter having failed to do so, and the dog still pestering him, Foote said if the waiter didn't kick the dog out, he would kick him out.

"Sir," said an obtrusive young coxcomb, "I perceive you are not fond of dogs."

"No," answered Foote, nor of puppies either."

FOOTE being one day at a coffee-house, and seeing a gentleman of whom he had but a slight knowledge, took the opportunity after some long conversation to beg the gentleman would be so obliging as to lend him five guineas, as he was much distressed for that sum. The gentleman replied, I don't know you."

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"That was the only reason for my request," said Foote, for if you did know me, I'm sure you would not."

WHEN Lord Chesterfield's Letters to his Son first came out, a gentleman asked Foote whether they did not contain great knowledge of the world.

"Oh yes, sir," answered he, “very much so; for they inculcate bad morals—and the manners of a dancing master.'

FOOTE frequently attended Macklin's lectures with, it is to be feared, the main object of making fun out of the speaker. On one occasion the subject Macklin was discussing at somewhat inordinate length was "Duelling in Ireland." The people were manifestly getting tired, and the lecturer had only got then so far as the reign of Queen Elizabeth, when Foote intimated that he wished to ask a question.

"Well, sir," said Macklin, "what have you to say on this subject?"

"I think, sir," said Foote, "this matter might be settled in a few words. What o'clock is it, sir?"

Macklin could not possibly see what the clock had to do with a dissertation on duelling,

but gruffly answered that the hour was halfpast nine.

"Very well, sir," said Foote, "about this time of the night every gentleman in Ireland that can possibly be is in his third bottle of claret, and therefore in a fair way of getting drunk ; and from drunkenness proceeds quarrelling, and from quarrelling duelling, and so there's an end to the chapter."

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FOOTE being at supper one night at the Bedford coffee-house just after Garrick had performed Macbeth, the conversation very naturally turned on the merits of that great performer. After many eulogiums had been passed, it was generally allowed that he was the greatest actor on the stage.

"Indeed, gentlemen," said Foote, "I do not think you have said above half enough of him; for I think him not only the greatest actor on, but also the greatest actor of the stage."

AN Irish fortune-hunter at Bath told Foote

that he had got an excellent phaeton on

a new plan.

"I am rather of opinion," answered Foote, "that you have got it on the old plan; for I suspect you never intend to pay for it."

SOON after Savigny (who had been a cutler) appeared at Covent Garden Theatre in Barbarossa, Lady Harrington observed to Foote that he was really very cutting.

"Oh! dear madam," answered Foote, "I am not much surprised at that,—consider, he is a razor grinder."

A CERTAIN baronet who was very vain of

At

his title had in early life practised as a physician in the West Indies. Foote accosted him one day as Doctor Grant, and repeatedly used the title Doctor in his conversation. length the baronet's patience was exhausted, and he exclaimed warmly, "I am no doctor." "No, faith!" replied Foote readily, nor ever were."

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THE Duke of Cumberland was dining with Foote when a Mr Reynolds was of the

company.

"So, Mr Reynolds," said the duke, "I find you are intimate with Mr Wilkes. Pray, what time does he go to bed? what time does he rise?"

Several equally important questions followed, when Foote broke in, saying, "Your highness will please to remember that Mr Reynolds is Wilkes's attorney, not his chamberlain."

A RAGGED fellow was boasting of the

antiquity of his family and of what arms they bore.

Very likely you may have a coat of arms," said Foote, "but I see you have hardly got arms to your coat."

FOOTE

was one day asked how it happened that the highest places and more remarkable

appointments were not given by Government to persons who excelled in knowledge and judgment; but commonly to those who are deficient in those points. He replied, somewhat drily,

It

is an established custom, which

promises never to be forgotten, to lay the heaviest loads on asses, not men."

WHEN Doctor Arne produced an opera,

The Rose, at Covent Garden Theatre, it was hissed off the stage the first night. Foote, on leaving the theatre, was asked by an acquaintance what he thought of it.

"Well, bating the piety of it, I must confess I never saw a piece so justly damned in my life."