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lost it. So much time misspent, so many opportunities lost of doing good, by spreading the knowledge of the truth by conversation, by example: so little zeal for God, or love to man; so much vanity and levity, and pride and selfishness, that I may well tremble at the world of iniquity within. If ever I am saved, it must be by grace. May God give me an humble, contrite, child-like, affectionate spirit, and a willingness to forego my ease continually for his service.”—
"What is my Journal, but a transcript of my fol. lies? what else is the usual state of my 'mind, but weakness, vanity, and sin? O that I could meditate constantly upon divine things; that the world and its poor concerns did no more distract my heart from God. But how little I know or experience of the power of Christ! Truly I find my proneness to sin, and that generally prevailing ignorance of my mind by wbich all motives to diligence and love are made to disappear, to be my misery. Now therefore I desire to become a fool, that I may be wise : « The meek will be guide in judgment.''.
"I felt humbled at the remembrance of misspent hours, and while this frame of mind continued, all the powers of my soul were perceptibly refreshed. The last three chapters of St. John were peculiarly sweet, and I longed to love.--Mr. Simeon preached on John xv. 12; This is my commandment, that ye love one another as I have loved you." I saw my utter want of such a love as he described it: so disinterested, sympathizing, beneficent, and self-denying. Resolved to make the acquisition of it the daily subject of my future endeavours.”_"I cared not what was the state of pleasure or pain in my heart, so I knew its depth of iniquity, and could be poor and contrite in spirit; but it is hard and stubborn and ignorant."-" Pride shows itself every hour of every day; what long and undisturbea possession does self-complacency bold of my heart! what plans and dreams and visions of futurity fill my imagination, in which self is the prominent object." In my intercourse with some of my dear
friends, the workings of pride were but too plainly marked in my outward demeanour-on looking up to God for pardon for it, and deliverance from it, l'felt overwhelmed with guilt." " I was unwilling to resume my studies, while so much seemed to remain to be done in my own heart. Read Hopkins's Sermon on true Happiness, and analyzed it. "The obedience required in it terrified me at tirst, but afterward I could adore God, that he had required me to be perfectly holy. I thought I could cheerfully do his will though the world, the flesh, and the devil should rise up against me; desired to be filled with the fruits of righteousness, particularly with humility and love for the poor of Christ's flock."
“ Drew near to the Lord in prayer, but was rather elevated than huinbled afterward. At Mr. Simeon's was deeply impressed with his sermon on Eccles. viii. 11. . It was a complete picture of the human heart; and when he came to say, that they sinned habitually, deliberately, and without remorse, I could scarcely believe I was so vile a wretch as I then saw myself to be. It was a most solemn discourse.”_" The less we do the more we value it: how poor and mean and pitiful would many even of present Christians esteem
Dear Saviour, I desire to be no more lukewarm, but to walk nigh to God, to be dead to the world, and longing for the coming of Christ."
“ I read Hebrew and the Greek of the Epistle to the Hebrews. This Epistle is not only not most uninteresting as it formerly was, but now the sweetest portion of the Holy Scripture I know, partly, I suppose, because I can look up to Jesus as my High Priest, though I may very often doubt whether I am interested in him: Yet O how free is his love to the chief of sin
many my days are lost, if their worth is to be measured by the standard of prevailing heavenly mindedness ! I want, above all things, a wila lingness to be despised. What but the humbling influence of the Spirit, showing me my vileness and
desperate wickedness can ever produce such an habitual temper!"
“ Mr. Simeon's sermon this evening on 2 Chron. xxxii. 31, discovered to me my corruption and vileness more than any sermon I ever had heard.”_"0! that I had a more piercing sense of the divine presence! How much sin in the purest services! If I were sitting in heavenly places with Christ, or rather with my thoughts habitually there, how would every duty, but especially this of social prayer, become easy:
-Memoria tua sancta, et dulcedo tua beatissima, possideat animam meam, atque in invisibilium amorem rapiat illam.'99
This day was set apart for a public fast. I prayed rather more than two hours, chiefly with confession of my own sins, those of my family, and the Church ; alas! so much was required to be said on the first head, that I should have been at no loss to have dwelt upon it the whole day.”—“Suffered sleepiness to prevent my reading to my servant-it is burtful to my conscience to let slight excuses for an omission of duty to prevail."_" O what cause for shame and self-abhorrence arises from the review of every day-in morning prayer, as usual of late, my soul longed to leave its corruptions to think of Christ and live by him. I laboured to represent to myself powerful considerations to stir up my slothful heart to activity, particularly that which respects giving instruction to, and praying with people. I set before myself the infinite mercy of being out of hell--of being permitted to do the will of God of the love of Christ, which was so disinterested how he passed his life in going about doing good-how those men who are truly great, the blessed Apostles, did the same-how the holy angels would delight to be employed on errands of mercy. A ray of light seems to break upon my mind for a moment, and discovers the folly and ignorance of this sinful heart: but it quickly returns to its former hardness. My will is to sit in all day reading, not making any effort to think, but letting the book fill the mind with a succession of notions:
when the time comes for reading the Scripture and praying, then it recoils. When an opportunity offers of speaking for the good of others, or assisting a poor person, then it makes a thousand foolish excuses. It would rather go on wrapt in self, and leave the world to perish. Ah! what a heart is mine! The indistinctness of my view of its desperate wickedness is terrible to me, that is, when I am capable of feeling any terror. But now, my soul, rise from earth and hell-shall Satan lead me captive at his will, when Christ ever liveth to make intercession for the vilest worm? O Thou, whose I am by creation, preservation, redemp. tion, no longer my own, but his who lived and died and rose again, once more would I resign this body and soul, mean and worthless as they are, to the blessed disposal of thy holy will !—May 1 have a heart to love God and his people, the flesh being crucified !"
"I found a want of the presence of God from the fearof having acted against the suggestion of conscience in indulging myself with reading the amusing account of Dr. Vanderkemp, instead of applying to the severer duties of the morning. God be merciful to me a sin
May grace abound, where sin has abounded much! May I cheerfully and joyfully resign my case and life in the service of Jesus, to whom I owe so much! May it be sweet to me to proclaim to sinners like myself the blessed efficacy of my Saviour's blood! May he make me faithful unto death! The greatest enemy I dread is the pride of my own heart. Through pride reigning, I should forget to know a broken spirit : then would come on unbelief-weakness-apostacy."
-“ If it is a mercy that I am out of hell, what account should I make of the glorious work of the ministry to which I am to be called, who am not worthy to be trodden under foot of men."
Thus having attained to a degree of self-knowledge and of spirituality equally rare, and being thoroughly instructed how “he ought to behave himself in the Church of God--the Church of the living God--the pillar and ground of the truth," Mr. Martyn prepared
for the solemn rite of his ordination, which was administered at Ely on Sunday, Oct. 22, 1803. “Blessed is the man whom Thou choosest and causest to apo proach Thee, that he may dwell in thy courts; Psal. Ixv. 4. This blessing surely rested in an eminent degree on Mr. Martyn: for what a contrast does his
approach to the altar on this occasion exbibit to that of those, who presumptuously intrude into the sacred office, “ seeking their own things and not the things of Jesus Christ."--Truly might he affirm, that he was “inwardly moved by the Holy Ghost, to take upon him that office and admistration to serve God by promoting his glory, and edifying his people ;” and truly did he resolve to "give himself continually to prayer and to the ministry of the word." Yet his self-abasement was as usual conspicuous, and he bewailed having presented himself for admission into the ministry of the Lord Jesus, " in so much ignorance and unholiness," and at the same time poured out his prayer, that he might have “grace to fulfil those promises which he had made before God and the people." The awful weight of ordination vows was impressed on no one's mind more deeply than on his—the thought of his responsibility would have overwhelmed bim, had he not been supported in remembering that the treasure of the Gospel was placed in earthen vessels, that " the excellency of the power might be of God and not of man.” That which was the comfort of Polycarp as a Bishop, was his consolation as a Deacon—that he who was constituted an overseer of the Church, was himself overlooked by Jesus Christ—that in the discharge of his office as pastor of the flock, he was ever under the gracious superintendence of that great and good Shepherd who laid down his life for the sheep.
A circumstance which occurred at this time shows how seriously his mind was affected. From a constitutional delicacy and reserve, no one had naturally a greater reluctance than Mr. Martyn to obtrude him. self on the notice of others in a way of admonition; it was a task from which his feelings recoiled. Ob