VI. Bonnabel has an Interview with her Father-Returns on the next Morning to seek her His words were sullen, though his tone was mild. Where have you put your-well, I mean your child?" "Go back and fetch it: bring it here to me. Thy father's likeness lives not in its face!" Starting abrupt amid some frightful dream; Of healthy red and white on morning's cheek When forth I went my little Death to seek. This, e'en my murderer's heart could not withstand; That echo answer'd from the hollow land, But vengeance was not for mine hands to wreak. A crone that gather'd cresses hobbled by. "Ah, had I known!" said she, "I ne'er had took As much belied her inexpressive age: "Young girl," said she.-"I fear from out thy book She pointed downwards, more in grief than rage, Then could I not a mother's cries assuage, For though I'd kill'd it, still my heart was there. If people be not drunk with self-conceit, And blind as moles, and feelingless as stone, They tried, and found me guilty:-not insane, But took some count of pity in my case; And, Oh, ye human of my own frail race! O, aid me to avoid the scaffold, base, Aud show me mercy once, though mercy late! PROSPECTUS OF AN ASYLUM FOR THE RECEPTION OF DECAYED DANDIES, MEMBERS OF THE AMONGST the many noble institutions consecrated to charity which adorn our metropolis, there is actually none to which the above-mentioned class of unfortunates can fly, when age, sickness, ill-temper, or railway speculation have disqualified them from mixing any longer in the society which they have been wont to frequent, with satisfaction to themselves and toleration from their younger and more fortunate accomplices. Time will dull the keenest wit, play will undermine the broadest estate, good living will paralyse the most active mind, the slimmest and most agile frame will either expand into corpulence or wither into mummyism, the most hyacinthine locks will grizzle and fall off, and it is indeed melancholy to reflect that when the popular, well-dressed, wealthy, insolent young man about town has lapsed into the obese, discontented, dyspeptic bore, to whose obsolete stories no man will listen, for whom nobody will back a bill, and whom none will invite to dinner, there should be no harbour of refuge open to the wretched victim of selfishness, extravagance, and sensuality, no asylum where his weaknesses may be ministered unto, his wants relieved, his infirmities cared for. Alas! we adhere too little to the maxim, that charity begins at home. We are more easily moved by the ills incident to the inhabitants of Timbuctoo than to those of our collieries, the merchant princes of Lombardstreet and the charitable ladies of Clapham sympathise more readily and substantially with the woes of their antipodes than with those of their next-door neighbours, and thus it is that the last generation of men of wit and fashion about town, of whose notice thirty years ago every one felt proud, and whose dicta sufficed to set up and cast down beauties, cooks, tailors, and opera dancers, are now left to perish in miserable neglect in stuffy suburban lodgings, ministered to in their dying moments by venal valets and squalid maids of all-work. Such a reflection is, indeed, a reproach on our nation, which the writer of this prospectus flatters himself he shall be enabled to remove, if his scheme meets with the approval and co-operation of an intelligent and kind-hearted public. He has with this view entered into arrangements with the proprietors of the St. James's Club-house, which he conceives will, with a very few unimportant alterations, be admirably calculated, on account of its site, climate, and historical recollections, as a shelter for the old age of those, whose youth, wealth, and health have been squandered in its brilliant saloons. Liberty is a fine thing, but not for all men. When we witness daily elderly gentlemen-great-grandfathers-dropping into their clubs at midday, and calling huskily for mineral waters to correct the "acidity" engendered by the previous night's debauch; when we see individuals, obviously far beyond the age of puberty, with brief necks and bad digestions, eagerly making up parties for "house dinners," or over-eating matches; when we hear other poor creatures, late at night, calling for sherry-negus and brandy-cobbler, until the acute groom of the chamber can scarcely comprehend their inarticulate demands, we cannot suppose that to such men freedom is a boon. They would be healthier and happier in the fancy prison at Pentonville, or bone-crushing under Mr. George Lewis, at Andover. From forlorn wretches of this description the writer anticipates that his asylum will be readily peopled. The committees of the clubs which they infest must at once see the expediency as well as the humanity of placing them under mild and paternal coercion. Fat, unamusing old dandies, "desidiâ tardos et longo frigore pingues," who do not keep cooks, lumbering up club windows which they have long ceased to adorn, monopolising newspapers which they are too torpid to read, and dozing away their evenings stertorously in arm-chairs, may, with equal propriety, be forwarded to the St. James's Asylum. Bores of all calibres and species will be taken in and done for, but at a considerably advanced charge, as in justice to the less offensive inmates of the house, it will be necessary that they should be kept in solitary confinement. Tuft-hunters and toadies will be boarded at a very low rate, and will enjoy peculiar advantages, which could scarcely be conceded to them in any other retreat. The writer of this prospectus assures the committees of such clubs as may think fit to intrust their morbid and decaying branches to his care, that the feelings, prejudices, and even petty vices of the unfortunates shall be consulted and indulged in every mode at all compatible with their general health and safety. The same bills of fare which used to be exhibited in the coffee-room when Francatelli was chef, will be continued, but simpler viands, better calculated to suit the impaired viscera of the D. D. will be substituted for the original dishes, and clothed for the especial benefit of the said D. D., with the pompous and varied nomenclature of the Parisian cuisine. It may be anticipated that numerous complaints will at first arise from the disappointed gluttony of new comers, but the experience which the writer has had in club management, enables him to assure the public that this source of irritation will be readily met by a few "general answers" and "regrets" from the committee, couched in conciliatory language, such as are invariably forwarded to every habitué of a club, who may have been simple enough to express his dissatisfaction on any point connected with its conduct. Moreover, the D. D. will soon discover that the compulsory substitution of a boiled whiting and barley-water for "Sole à la Provençale" and dry champagne, possesses the great advantage of leaving no acidity to be corrected. The St. James's Asylum will be conducted on temperance principles. Wine and spirits will only be allowed when ordered by the medical attendant, a general practitioner of great eminence, who has long resided in the parish, and is celebrated for his experience and success in treating the diseases incident to D.D. Play may be indulged in to any amount. Indeed, all the evening arrangements will be continued as in the late Mr. Crockford's time, ex cepting that the supper will consist solely of sago, tapioca, and gruel, and no stronger beverages than toast and barley-water will be supplied. The identical counters which have been so long used at the play-table will be issued nightly to the inmates for checks, which the treasurer will cancel once a week before the committee. An extensive library will be unnecessary. Punch, any very light things by Dickens, the Sporting Magazines, the Racing Calendar, the Annuals, Bell's Life, and the Satirist, will, it is thought, afford sufficient food for the minds of the more studious D. D., whilst the majority will, probably, be satisfied if supplied twice a day with old newspapers, damped, of politics consonant to the principles of their ancestors. It being an established fact, that in dealing with persons of diseased intellects coercion is scarcely ever necessary, a couple of bay windows will be thrown out on the basement-floor, and devoted to a novel system of reward and punishment. It is intended that when a D. D. over-eats himself, is quarrelsome, abuses the servants, or finds fault with his victuals, he shall be exposed to the public gaze behind the commonest green glass, in the penal dress of the Asylum, a strait-waistcoat of yellow baize, without either wig or false teeth, whilst good-humour and sobriety will be rewarded as ats, by a prominent seat in the best bay, glazed with pinkish plate-glass, with the additional indulgence of such false hair and swell waistcoats as the wardrobe of the asylum may contain, and the taste or folly of the D. D. select. From the vast number of ci-devant men of fashion about town, who have been privately promised by their associates to the establishment, the writer flatters himself that the best bay-window of the St. James's Asylum will be inferior in rank, dress, and fashion, to no other window in the street. He also hopes that the melancholy spectacle afforded by the penal exhibition of refractory and intemperate D. D. may have a beneficial effect on the rising generation, and may induce many misguided young men to return to their families, and discharge in the provinces those subordinate but useful duties to which they have been born, and which their vanity and love of pleasure has led them to neglect. Economy will be strictly attended to. Gentlemen who require French polish, rouge, hair-dye, or Willis's Mirific, must supply themselves from their private resources, and Colchicum will be charged for as an extra. It will be unnecessary to make extensive arrangements for the accommodation of visiters, as D. D. have never any friends, and it would be inhuman to encourage the calls of their creditors and heirs-atlaw, the only persons who might reasonably be expected to take an interest in their existence. Jews, Insurance-offices, and tradespeople, however, will receive from the medical attendant all the information they may require respecting the health of the inmates of the Asylum. Tuft-hunters and toadies will be received as whole or half-boarders, and as the writer has been promised a large proportion of men of rank, amongst whom are several imbecile Dukes and a paralytic Prince, he flatters himself that he will have no difficulty in making the Asylum agreeable to them, as they will be permitted to perform all the most menial offices for the noblemen's Ward, and will thus be enabled to enjoy society of the very highest description without meeting with those little rebuffs and unpleasantries which are so thoughtlessly and cruelly showered upon them whenever they attempt to gratify their peculiar tastes in public. Such of them as may wish from time to time to communicate with their parents and relatives from motives of affection or finance, will be enabled to do so in the most private manner, so that they will not run the slightest risk of being detected by their noble associates in communion with their own families. Two tuft-hunters in rotation will be allotted panes in the best baywindow, and charitable ladies of rank driving by are entreated to gladden the hearts of these poor fellows by bowing familiarly to them. "Cela leur fera tant de plaisir et à elles si peu de peine." The writer now comes to the most arduous and distressing part of his subject the treatment of bores. He will refrain from harrowing up the mind of the British public by entering fully into the details of the severe but necessary discipline which awaits them in the St. James's Asylum, and contents himself with announcing that if coercion, solitary confinement, low diet, active cathartic medicines, and even personal chastisement can succeed in alleviating so hideous a disease-which has hitherto been classed with hydrophobia as incurable-he will deem himself fully rewarded for his painful efforts should he succeed in a single case. From the very large number of Protectionist members of parliament of all ages, who have had places in his establishment secured for them by their well-wishers, the writer regrets to state that gentlemen afflicted with this complaint will have to sleep three in a bed until more extensive accommodation can be prepared for them. A very liberal offer has been made to Mr. Lumley, to purchase both the omnibus-boxes at the Queen's Theatre, in order to annex them to the St. James's Asylum without disturbing the present tenants, most of whom the writer expects to have sooner or later under his care. A pew at the Magdalen has been secured for the use of the establish ment. Gentlemen of fashion are entreated to send in their old wigs and evening waistcoats, as it is anticipated that these luxuries will be in great demand amongst the D. D. Mr. Eisenberg has been appointed chiropodist to the Asylum, and a most tempting proposal has been made to the distinguished author of the Green Book to induce him to accept the office of consulting surgeon. The names of an influential list of local directors will be published in a few days, and as soon as the house is ready for the reception of its inmates, a circular will be sent round to the five clubs already named, stating the terms on which whole and half-boarders will be admitted. GOLIAH LONGMAN, (late Porter at Crockford's), Hon. Secretary to the St. James's Asylum for D. D. |