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Enter Sir ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.
Sir And. Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
Mar. My name is Mary, sir.
Sir To. You mistake, knight: accost is, front her, board her, woo her, assail her.
Sir And. By my troth I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of accost?
Mar. Fare you well, gentlemen. Sir To. An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, 'would thou might'st never draw sword again.
Šir And. An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?
Mar. Sir, I have not you by the hand.
Sir And. Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
Mar. Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you, bring your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.
Sir And. Wherefore, sweetheart? what's your metaphor? Mar. It's dry, sir.
Sir And. Why, I think so; I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?
Mar. A dry jest, sir.
Mar. Ay, sir; I have them at my fingers' ends: marry, now I let go your hand I am barren.
[Exit MARIA. Sir To. O knight, thou lack’st a cup of canary: When did I see thee so put down?
Sir And. Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a great eater of beef, and, I believe, that does harm to my wit.
Sir To. No question.
Sir And. An I thought that, I'd forswear it. I'll ride home to-morrow, Sir Toby.
Sir To. Pourquoy, my dear knight?
spin it off.
Sir And. What is pourquoy? do or not do? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing, and bear-baiting. O, had I but followed the arts !
Sir To. Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair. Sir And. Why, would that have mended my hair?
Sir To. Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
Sir And. But it becomes me well enough, does't not?
Sir To. Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and
Sir And. 'Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece will not be seen; or, if she be, it's four to one she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.
Sir To. She'll none o' the count; she'll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her swear it. Tut, there's life in't, man.
Sir And. I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether.
Sir To. Art thou good at these kick-shaws, knight?
Sir And. As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare with an old man.
Sir To. What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
Sir And. And, I think, I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria.
Sir To. Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have these gifts a curtain before them? are they like to take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What dost thou mean? is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard
Sir And. Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?
Sir To. What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?
Sir And. Taurus ? that's sides and heart.
Sir To. No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee caper: ha! higher: ha, ha!—excellent !
[Exeunt. SCENE IV.-A Room in the DUKE's Palace.
Enter VALENTINE, and VIOLA in man's attire. Val. If the duke continue these favours towards you, Cesario, you are like to be much advanced; he hath known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.
Vio. You either fear his humour or my negligence, that you call in question the continuance of his love. Is he inconstant, sir, in his favours? Val. No, believe me.
Enter DUKE, CURIO, and Attendants.
Duke. Stand you awhile aloof.—Cesario,
Sure, my noble lord,
Duke. Be clamorous, and leap all civil bounds,
Vio. Say I do speak with her, my lord. What then?
Duke. Ó, then unfold the passion of my love,
Vio. I think not so, my lord.
Dear lad, believe it,
best To woo your lady: yet, [aside] a barful strife ! Whoe'er I woo, myself would be his wife.
SCENE V.-A Room in OLIVIA'S House,
Enter MARIA and CLOWN. Mar. Nay; either tell me where thou hast been or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.
Clo. Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours.
Mar. Make that good.
Mar. A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that saying was born, of, I fear no colours. Clo. Where, good Mistress Mary?
Mar. In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery. Clo. Well
, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents.
Mar. Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent: or, to be turned away; is not that as good as a hanging to you?
Clo. Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and for turning away, let summer bear it out.
Mar. You are resolute, then?
Mar. That, if one break, the other will hold; or, if both break, your gaskins fall.
Clo. Apt, in good faith ; very apt! Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
Mar. Peace, you rogue; no more o' that; here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely; you were best. [Exit.
Enter OLIVIA and MALVOLIO. Clo. Wit, and 't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits' that think they have thee, do very oft prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise
For what says Quinapalus? Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.- -God bless thee, lady!
Oli. Take the fool away.
Oli. Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you: besides, you grow dishonest.
Clo. Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry; bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend. he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing that's mended is but patched; virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty's a flower:—the lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
Oli. Sir, I bade them take away you.
Clo. Misprision in the highest degree !—Lady, Cucullus non facit monachum; that's as much as to say,
wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.
Oli. Can you do it?
Clo. I must catechize you for it, madonna. Good my mouse of virtue, answer me.
Oli. Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll 'bide your proof.
Clo. Good madonna, why mourn'st thou?
Clo. The more fool you, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven.—Take away the fool, gentle
Oli. What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
Mal. Yes; and shall do, till the pangs of death shake him. Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better fool.
Clo. God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are no fool.
Oli. How say you to that, Malvolio?
Mal. I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal; I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men, that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than the fools' zanies.