than, Whether a perfon's name fhould be fpelt with C, or with K?

E. Thefe conftant difputes must have had a very bad effect on your younger children. How do you hope ever to have a quiet houfe?

C. And yet, I do affure you, there is no one point that I have laboured more than that important one of family harmony.

L. Indeed!

C. Yes; for the fake of that order and unanimity, which has always been dear to me, I have conftantly infifted, that all my children fhould Sneeze and blow their nafes at the fame time, and in the fame manner. E. May I prefume to ask the reason of that injunction?

C. Is it poffible you do not fee the extreme danger, as well as indecorum, of fuffering every one to blow his nofe his own way? Could you truft any one with the keys of your offices, who fneezed to the right when other people freezed to the left, or to the left when they fneezed to the right?

É. I confefs I am rather dull in difcerning the inconvenience that would enfue; but pray have you been able to accomplish this defirable uniformity?

C. I acknowledge I have not; and indeed I have met with fo much obftinate refiftance to this my wife regulation, that, to tell you the truth, I am almoft on the point of giving it up. You would hardly believe the perverfeness my children have fhewn on the occafion; blowing their nofes, locked up in their rooms, or in dark corners about the houfe, in every poflible. way; fo that, in fhort, on pretence of colds, tender nofes, or want of pocket-handkerchiefs, or one plea or another, I have been obliged to tolerate the uncomplying, very much against my will. However, I contrive to fhew my difapprobation, at leaft, of fuch fcandalous irregularities, by never faying God bless you!

if a person sneezes in the family contrary to established rule.

E. I am glad, at leaft, you are in this refpect got a little nearer to common fenfe. As you feem to have been of fo imperious a difpofition, I hope you were not trufted with any mifchievous weapons.

C. At first I used to fight with clubs and ftones; afterwards with other weapons; but at length I contrived to get at gunpowder, and then I did glorious milchief.

E. Pray had you never any body who taught you better?

C. Yes; feveral wife men, from time to time, attempted to mend my manners, and reform me, as they called it.

E. And how did you behave to them?

C. Some I hunted about; fome I poifoned; fome I contrived to have thrown into prifon; fome I made bonfires of; others I only laughed at. It was but the other day that one of them wanted to give me some hints for the better regulation of my family, upon which I pulled his houfe down: I was often, however, the better for the leffon, though the teacher had feldom the pleasure of feeing it.

E. I have heard it faid you are very partial to your children; that you pamper fome, and ftarve others. Pray who are your favourites?

C. Generally those who do the most mischief.

E. Had you not once a great favourite called Lewis, whom you used to ftyle the immortal man?

C. I had fo. I was continually repeating his name, I fet up a great number of ftatues to him, and ordered that every one fhould pull off his hat to them as he went by.

E. And what is become of them now?

C. The other day, in a fit of fpleen, I kicked them all down again.

E. I think I have read that you were once much

under

under the influence of an old man, with a highcrowned hat, and a bunch of keys by his fide?

C. It is true. He used to frighten me by fetting his arms a-kimbo, and fwearing moft terribly: befides which, he was always threatening to put me in a dark hole if I did not do as he would have me. He has conjured many pence out of my pocket, I affure you; and he used to make me believe the ftrangeft ftories! But I have now pretty nearly done with him; he dares not fpeak fo big as he used to do: hardly a fhoe-black will pull off his hat to him now; it is even as much as he can do to keep his own tight upon his head; nay, I have been affured, that the next high wind will certainly blow it off.

E. You must doubtlefs have made great advances in the art of reafoning, from the various lights and experiments of modern times: pray what was the last philofophical study that engaged your attention?

C. One of the laft was a fyftem of quackery, called Animal Magnetism.

E. And what in theology?

C. A fyftem of quackery, called Swedenborgianifm. E. And pray what are you doing at this moment? C. I am going to turn over quite a new leaf. I am finging Ca Ira.

E. I do not know whether you are going to turn' over a new leaf or no ; but I am fure, from this account, it is high time you fhould. All I can fay is, that, if I cannot mend you, I will endeavour to take care you do not spoil me; and one thing more, that I with you would lay your commands on Mifs Burney, to write a new novel, and make you laugh.

SIR,

AT

NEW MODE OF WARFARE.

[From the Morning Chronicle.]

Ta time when the exertions of the greater part of
Europe are of no avail in refifting the arms of the

I

French

French nation, and even the conceptions of our Britifh Palinurus are rendered abortive, it becomes every Englishman to exert himself against the common enemy.

Nunc olim quocunque dabunt se tempore vires,
Litora litoribus contraria, fluctibus undas
Imprecor, arma armis

After revolving in my mind the various plans which have been defeated by their vile machinations, it appears to me that our pilot (who, I hope, is not yet afleep at the helm) fhould, as he has done on many other occafions, follow the example of our enemy, i. e. attack them in a mafs. But, Sir, I would not recommend fuch a burlefque mafs as an army of. meagre, famished Frenchmen. I would have a real mafs, and every man fhould be like Falstaff a moving mafs. An army of fine fat fellows, fuch as I recommend, would drive Frenchmen before them as eafily as boys do butterflies, and we fhould have an additional reafon to glory in the roast beef of Old England.

I believe there would be no difficulty in producing an army of thefe Titans; for as this is deemed a war for the defence of our property, thofe will furely come forward as volunteers who have fo large a stake in the community. For inftance, the Aldermen and different corporate bodies in the kingdom would form a confiderable army. The beneficed clergy too would furnish many regiments, who might be called the Black Huffars. But it is needlefs for me to point out the paths of rotundity, as the fpies of Government may be better employed than they have lately been in tracing them. To fill up the grenadier companies, it might be expedient to fend for a few cargoes of Patagonians; and if this were done in the manner of embaffy, it would open a new fource of patronage, and we might alfo have the honour of granting another fubfidy,

1

fubfidy, if there be a King in that country to receive it. As the troopers would be of an enormous fize, especially the Black Huffars, it would be extremely neceffary to have them mounted on camels and elephants, the former to fupply the place of light cavalry, and the latter that of the heavy horfe. The confumption of provifions in fuch an army as this, may be objected to as unbearable; but as they would most of them be volunteers, the bounty-money would be faved; and as they would foon be quartered on the enemy, this very circumftance would render them more fpeedily victorious, and thus accomplish what our worthy Premier propofed early in the war-" To reduce them by famine."-In fhort, I conceive our troops would find their fuccefs far more in eating than in fighting, and it is probable their ftomachs would be better adapted for the former than the latter. Another article of economy might be adopted in their equipments, by having the frying-pans, &c. made of a more commodious form, fo as to be worn on the head instead of helmets, and this might ferve to diftinguifh the different companies; for what could be more appropriate than the Frying-pan Company, the Tin-kettle Company, the Porridge-pot Company, &c. &c. Spits might be worn inftead of fwords, and the dripping-pans might be fe contrived as to form a bridge. inftead of boats, to crofs rivers; and there would be no fear of the bridge being captured by the enemy, as our troops would fight defperately for their culinary utenfils; all that might be dreaded is, that they would give no quarter, if the fcoundrels made the attempt. There would be no neceffity for musical inftruments; the found of the kettles would be infinitely better relifhed than kettle-drums; and a table-cloth would be a more attractive rallying point than any ftreamer ever borne by a Roman or British legion. Knives and forks of a proportionate fize would be terrible weapons