XII

MANNERS

A CODE of etiquette may refine the manners, but the "heart of courtesy " which stamps the natural gentleman comes through instinct. Happy is the child, and happy the man who has the gift of a heart so gentle by nature and so considerate, whose manners have such inborn grace, that little or no training is required to fit him for harmonious intercourse with his fellow-man. This type of man is rare; the average man requires much training before his politeness becomes at all instinctive. The earlier in life attention is bestowed on manners, the less difficulty is there in establishing that unfailing good breeding and polish which mark the perfect gentleman.

Some persons are averse to the acquirement of fine manners, fearing that it means an adoption of much ceremony, and a sacrifice of sincerity and simplicity. If one is good-natured, that prevents artifice,-if one is truly indulgent, no violation of sincerity is necessary.

The absence of a fixed aristocracy or reigning set, the influx of emigrants, the constant changes of fortune in the families of this coun

try, and the political changes by which first one stratum and then another is left on top, render a fixed standard of politeness difficult to establish. When social upheavals are less frequent, the codes which govern social matters will be more definite and more immutable. The most reliable codes are those that emanate from people of native refinement and taste, and from the experience of broad and cultivated minds. A noble and unselfish heart with very few precepts on the current usages of good society is as trustworthy a guide as one needs; the keynote to good manners as to good morals being that same Golden Rule "To do to others as we would that they should do to us." A child who is not trained to consider the rights and feelings of others, and who has no reverence for older people, will scarcely develop into a well mannered man. Through thoughtlessness, haste or ignorance he may be guilty of rudeness, but if his heart is right and his fault is made known to him, he will not repeat it, for no gentleman or lady will knowingly offend. It is the parents' duty to enlighten the child, and to train him into a proper observance of his duties to his elders, his companions, and all with whom he comes in contact.

As manners are the "lesser morals," no one can be thoroughly well-bred who has not a basis of good morals. He may have gracious

manners and an attractive personality, but the defect will be revealed at some point of his conduct. All etiquette is but the superstructure, the foundation of which is Christian principle and Christian virtue, which again have their root in Divine Love. Many truly conscientious persons whose surroundings have lacked refinement, and whose education has not redeemed them from the effects of this lack, are most desirous of knowing the means by which the frictions of social intercourse may be avoided, but they scarcely know how to acquire the necessary knowledge.

There are many excellent works on such subjects, which not only give the correct forms, but which also instruct in the principles underlying them, and give reasons for their adoption. From the frequent lapses and delinquencies of society, it is evident that a perusal or re-perusal of some book on etiquette would benefit many. The ill manners of the average American boy and girl, man and woman, have been subjects of severe criticisms by foreigners visiting in this country. What good manners they do possess are accompanied by more sincerity than those of foreigners, whose extremely ceremonious manners always savor of insincerity to persons unaccustomed to them.

We must acknowledge that fine manners as an art are not much cultivated in this country.

Foreign children are certainly the superiors in this respect of American children. I hold one of the chief pleasures of a foreign sojourn to be the witnessing of the respectful, well-bred children there; courtesy and self-restraint are universal, and impertinent replies to parents and elders are unknown. Everyone who has lived abroad, and has had opportunity for observing, will admit the gratification which this experience affords. How many children in this country rise when addressed by an older person who is standing, or when one enters a room? It is a mark of deference in which a European child will seldom fail, and it is a frequent sight at a hotel table to see a whole table of children standing, while an older person also standing is holding a brief conversation with the parents, who of course have also risen. Children are not indulged in those countries as they are here. They are much more arbitrarily governed and have not the familiar intercourse with their parents which is enjoyed by our children.

This intimate association has its advantages as well as its disadvantages; the American child gives his parents much more of his confidence than does the other, and hence the gain is perhaps greater than the loss; but the unhesitating obedience and invariable respect that are practiced abroad cannot but command one's

approbation and admiration. The absolute monarchy of childhood that exists in many American homes would be considered a fairy tale in those well disciplined families.

It is not my intention to set forth a code of etiquette or of the usages which govern good society; this has been done so well in various other publications that it is unnecessary; but I will refer to a few essential points to which special attention may profitably be called, both because of their importance and because failure in observing them is frequent.

Of these, none is more grievous than the one just mentioned--the irreverence of children toward their elders, and especially their mothers and fathers. It is the greatest blemish that exists on the childhood of this country to-day, and the parents are more responsible for the condition than are the children, for no parent is fulfilling his duty to his child, or possesses his proper quota of self-respect, who permits his child to contradict him, to ridicule him, or to treat him with any manner of rudeness. Is it not a common act for a child to oppose his opinions to his parents, to refuse to obey, to retort impertinently, or to walk away while being addressed? Whence arises this most deplorable disrespect? The child is not lacking in parental affection as one might suppose. The cause is not so serious as that, but it is