Abbildungen der Seite

that social felicity, that sway of reason, that emancipation from error, of which they eternally prate, as the fruit of their doctrines! Accept those doctrines, and the whole world falls back into a frightful chaos; and all the relations of life are confounded; and all ideas of vice and virtue are reversed; and the most inviolable laws of society vanish; and all moral discipline is discredited.

7. Accept those doctrines, and the government of states and nations has no longer any cem'ent to uphold it; and all the harmony of the body politic becomes discord; and the human race is no more than an assemblage of reckless barbarians, shameless, remorseless, brutal, denaturalized, with no other law. than force, no other check than passion, no other bond than irreligion, no other God than self. Such would be the world which impiety would make! Such would be this world, were a belief in God and immortality to die out of the human heart!

From the French of MASSILLON.





COMPASS (kum'pass), n., space; an | VOY'AGE, n., a journey by sea.
instrument by which ships are PATTEN, n., a sort of shoe.


SUP'PLI-ANT, n., a humble petitioner.
FRIV'O-LOUS, a., slight; vain.

CAN'VASS, v. i., to solicit votes.
SURGEON, n., one who cures by the MO-MENT'OUS, a., important.
MA-RINE (-reen), a., belonging to
the sea.

hand or by instruments.
EP'оCH (ep'ok or e'pok), n., era; date.

[ocr errors]


The au in haunt has the sound of a in far. In gov'ern-or, in'ter-est, ex'er-cise, heed the sound of er; in town and count'er, the sound of ou.

1. THE DULL RAZOR. "Does this razor go easy ?" asked a barber of his customer, who was writhing under a clumsy instrument, the chief recommendationcom w of which was a strong handle. "Well,” replied the



poor fellow, "that depends upon what you call this opera ation. If you're skinning me, the razor goes tolerably quite easy; but if you're shaving me, it goes rather hard." "Does n't it take hold?" asked the barber. "Yes, it takes hold, but it won't let go," replied the victim. 2. How To RUIN YOUR HEALTH. A humorous come at writer gives the following rules for ruining health: Stop in bed late. Eat hot. suppers. Turn day into night, and night into day. Take no exercise. Always ride when you can walk. Never mind about wet feet. Have half a dozen doctors. Take all the medicine they give you. Try every new quack. If that doesn't kill you, quack yourself.


3. CARRYING A JOKE TOO FAR. - A fellow stole a and on his trial told the judge that he only took it in joke. "How far did you carry it?" inquired the judge."Two miles," answered the prisoner." Ah! that's carrying a joke too far!" said the judge; and the prisoner was sentenced to hard labor, in the House of Correction, for three months.


4. Too OFFICIOUS. "Your house is on fire!" exclaimed a stranger, rushing into the parlor of a pompous and formal citizen.-"Well, sir," replied the latter, " to what cause am I indebted for the extraordinary mean interest which you seem to take in the affairs of my house?"

[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]


5. MAKING THE BEST OF THINGS."I have told 21: you," says Southey, "of the Spaniard who always put on spectacles when about to eat cherries, in order that the fruit might look larger and more tempting. In like manner I make the most of my enjoyments; and though I do not cast my eyes away from my troubles, I pack them in as small a compass as I can for myself, and never let them annoy others."

6. FATE OF IDLERS, The man who did not think it was respectable to bring up his children to work

[ocr errors]

has just heard from his three sons. One of them is a
driver on a canal; another has been taken up as a


Lega vagrant; and the third has gone to a certain public institution, to learn to hammer stone, under a keeper. reprooting ho 7. REBUKING ARROGANCE. When Abernethy was fedcanvassing for the office of surgeon to St. Bartholomew Hospital, in London, he called upon a rich grocer, one of the governors. The great man behind the counter, seeing the poor surgeon enter, immedihangshiny ately assumed the grand air toward the supposed suppliant for his vote, and said: "I presume, sir, you want my vote and interest at this momentous epoch dat


[ocr errors]

of your life." Abernethy, who hated humbugs, and


felt nettled at the tone, replied, "No, I don't; I want
a pennyworth of figs. Come, look sharp, and wrap
them up; I want to be off!"

8. OPPOSITION TO REFORM.-"I do not mean," said
the Rev. Sydney Smith, at a meeting on the Reform
Bill,-"I do not mean to be disrespectful; but the
attempt of the Lords to stop the progress of reform,
reminds me very forcibly of the great storm of Sid-
mouth, and of the conduct of the excellent Mrs. Part-
ington on that occasion. In the winter of 1824, there
set in a great flood upon that town; the tide rose to
an incredible height; the waves rushed in upon the
houses, and every thing was threatened with destruc-

"In the midst of this sublime and terrible storm,
Dame Partington, who lived upon the beach, was seen
at the door of her house, with mop and pattens, trun-
dling the mop, squeezing out the sea-water, and vigor-
ously pushing away the Atlantic Ocean. The Atlantic
was roused. Mrs. Partington's spirit was up; but I
need not tell you that the contest was unequal. The
Atlantic Ocean beat Mrs. Partington. She was excel-
lent at a slop or a puddle, but she should not have


meddled with a tempest. ease; be quiet and steady. ington."

9. MURDERING A TUNE. -Foote once asked a man without a sense of a tune in him, "Why are you forever humming that tune?"-"Because it haunts me," was the reply. -"No wonder," said Foote; "you are forever murdering it.”


10. THE QUAKER'S RETORT. --A Quaker and a hotheaded youth were, on a recent occasion, quarreling in the street. The man with the broad-brimmed hat kept his temper most equably, which seemed but to increase the anger of the other. "Fellow," said the latter, with an oath, “I don't know a bigger fool than you are.""Stop, friend," replied the Quaker, "thou dost forget thyself."

11. ON EARLY RISING.-Said Lord Chatham to his son: "I would inscribe on the curtains of your bed, and the walls of your chamber, 'If you do not rise early, you can make progress in nothing. If you do not set apart your hours of reading, if you suffer yourself or any one else to break in upon them, your days will slip through your hands unprofitable and frivolous, and unenjoyed by yourself.'"

12. A STUPID QUESTION. Professor Porson, being once at a dinner party, where the conversation turned upon Captain Cook and his celebrated voyages round the world, an ignorant young man, in order to contrib ute his mite toward the general conversation, asked the professor, thoughtlessly, "Pray, sir, was Cook killed on his first voyage?"-"I believe he was," answered Porson, "though he does not seem to have minded it much; for he immediately entered on a second."

[ocr errors]

Gentlemen, be at your
You will beat Mrs. Part-

13. THE JUDGE AND THE LAWYER. On a certain occasion, when pleading a cause at the bar, Lawyer court


[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]



Brooks observed to Judge Rice, that he would con-
clude his remarks on the following day, unless the
Court would consent to set late enough for him to
finish them that evening. Sit, sir," said the judge;
"not set hens set.""I stand corrected, sir," replied
the lawyer, bowing. Not long after, the judge, while
giving an opinion in a marine case, asked, in regard
to a certain ship, "At what wharf does she lay 2"
"Lie, may it please your honor," exclaimed Mr. Brooks;
"not lay: hens lay."


FIELD-MAR'SHAL, n., the commander | VIC-TO'RIA, n., a Latin word, meaning of an army.


The ew in news has the y sound of long u. Pronounce wound, woond.

[merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][ocr errors][merged small][merged small]
« ZurückWeiter »