-Trim, says one, are you not ashamed be equalled by one animal in the creation, of yourself, to make all this rout and dis- and surpassed by none.

turbance in the town, and set neighbors together by the ears, about an old,-wornout,—pair of cast-breeches, not worth half a crown? Is there a cast coat, or a place in the whole town, that will bring you in a shilling, but what you have snapped up like a greedy hound as you are?

I am, Sir,

Yours, &c. &c.

POSTSCRIPT.

I HAVE broke open my letter to inform you, that I missed the opportunity of sending it by the messenger, who, I expected,

In the first place, are you not sexton and dog-whipper,* worth three pounds a year? Then you begged the churchwardens to let would have called upon me in his return your wife have the washing and darning through this village to York; so it has lain of the church-linen, which brings you in a week or ten days by me.—I am not sorry thirteen shillings and four-pence:-then for the disappointment, because something you have six shillings and eight-pence for has since happened, in continuation of this oiling and winding up the clock; both paid affair, which I am thereby enabled to transyou at Easter:-the pounder's place, which mit to you, all under one trouble. is worth forty shillings a year, you have got that too:-you are the bailiff, which the late parson got you, which brings you in forty shillings more.

When I finished the above account, I thought (as did every soul in the parish) Trim had met with so thorough a rebuff from John the parish-clerk, and the town'sfolks, who all took against him, that Trim would be glad to be quiet, and let the matter rest.

Besides all this, you have six pounds a year paid you quarterly, for being molecatcher to the parish.-Ay, says the luckless wight above-mentioned (who was stand- But it seems it is not half an hour ago ing close by him with the plush breeches since Trim* sallied forth again; and, having on), "you are not only mole-catcher, Trim, borrowed a sow-gelder's horn-with hard "but you catch STRAY CONIES too in the dark, blowing he got the whole town round him, "and you pretend a license for it; which, and endeavored to raise a disturbance, and "I trow, will be looked into at the next fight the whole battle over again;—alleged, "quarter-sessions.”—I maintain it, I have That he had been used in the last fray a license, says Trim, blushing as red as worse than the dog; not by John the parscarlet,—I have a license; and, as I farm ish-clerk, for I should not, quoth Trim, a warren in the next parish, I will catch have valued him a rush single hands ;—but conies every hour in the night.—You catch all the town sided with him; and twelve conies! says a toothless old woman just men in buckram† set upon me, all at once, passing by. and kept me in play at sword's-point for three hours together.

This set the mob a-laughing, and sent every man home in perfect good-humor, except Trim, wno waddled very slowly off, with that kind of inflexible gravity only to

"In the first place, would any one imagine that "Dr. Topham, who was now Master of the Faculties, "Commissary to the Archbishop of York,-Official "to the Archdeacon of York,-Official to the Arch"deacon of the East Riding,-Official to the Archdeacon of Cleveland,—Official to the peculiar juris"diction of Howdenshire,-Official to the Precentor,"Official to the Chancellor of the Church of York,"and Official to several of the Prebendaries thereof, "could accept of so poor an addition as a Commissary"ship of five guineas per annum?"-P. S. of Dr. Fountayne's Answer to Dr. Topham.

Besides, quoth Trim, there were two misbegotten knaves in Kendal-green, who lay all the while in ambush in John's own house; and they, all sixteen, came upon my back, and let drive at me all together: -a plague, says Trim, of all cowards.

Trim repeated his story above a dozen times, which made some of the neighbors pity him, thinking the poor fellow crack

*Alluding to Dr. Topham's Reply to Dr. Fountayne's Answer.

↑ In Dr. Topham's Reply, he asserts, that Dr. Foun tayne's Answer was the child and offspring of many parents, p. 1.

brain'd, and that he actually believed what and tell you what kind of stand Trim has

he said.

--

actually made behind the said desk:-
"Neighbors and townsmen all, I will be sworn
before my Lord Mayor, that John and his
nineteen men in buckram have abused me
worse than a dog, for they told you that I
play'd fast-and-go-loose with the late parson
and him in that old dispute of theirs about

After this Trim dropped the affair of the breeches, and began a fresh dispute about the reading-desk; which I told you had occasioned some small dispute between the late parson and John some years ago. This reading-desk, as you will observe, was but an episode wove into the main the reading-desk; and that I made matters story by the bye; for the main affair was the battle of the breeches and the great

coat.

worse between them, and not better."

Of this charge, Trim declared he was as innocent as the child that was unborn;— than he would be book-sworn, he had no hand in it.

However, Trim being at last driven out of these two citadels, he has seized hold, in his retreat, of this reading-desk, with a He produced a strong witness, and moreview, as it seems, to take shelter behind it. over insinuated, that John himself, instead I cannot say but the man has fought it of being angry for what he had done in it, out obstinately enough; and, had his cause had actually thanked him.-Ay, Trim, says been good, I should have really pitied him. the wight in the plush breeches, but that For, when he was driven out of the great was, Trim, the day before John found thee watch-coat, you see he did not run away. out. Besides, Trim, there is nothing in No; he retreated behind the breeches; that; for the very year that you was made and when he could make nothing of it be- town's pounder, thou knowest well that hind the breeches, he got behind the read- I both thanked thee myself, and moreover ing-desk. To what other hold Trim will gave thee a good warm supper for turning next retreat, the politicians of this village John Lund's cows and horses out of my are not agreed. Some think his next move hard corn-close, which if thou hadst not will be towards the rear of the parson's done (as thou told'st me) I should have lost boot: but as it is thought he cannot make a my whole crop; whereas John Lund and long stand there, others are of opinion, Thomas Patt, who are both here to testify, That Trim will once more in his life get and are both willing to take their oaths hold of the parson's horse, and charge upon on't, that thou thyself wast the very first him, or perhaps behind him; but as the man who set the gate open;—and after all horse is not easy to be caught, the more it was not thee, Trim, 'twas the blackgeneral opinion is, That, when he is driven smith's poor lad who turned them out;-so out of the reading-desk, he will make his that a man may be thanked and rewarded last retreat in such a manner, as, if possible, too for a good turn which he never did, nor to gain the close-stool, and defend himself ever did intend. behind it to the very last drop.

Trim could not sustain this unexpected If Trim should make this movement, by stroke-so Trim marched off the field withmy advice, he should be left, besides his out colors flying, or his horn sounding, or citadel, in full possession of the field of bat- any other ensigns of honor whatever.— tle, where 'tis certain he will keep every Whether, after this, Trim intends to rally body a league off, and may hop by himself a second time, or whether he may not till he is weary. Besides, as Trim seems take it into his head to claim the victory,bent upon purging himself, and may have none but Trim himself can inform you. abundance of foul humors to work off, I However, the general opinion upon the hink he cannot be better placed. whole is this, That, in three several pitch'd But this is all matter of speculation.-battles, Trim has been so trimm'd, as never Let me carry you back to matter-of-fact, disastrous hero was trimm'd before.

THE END OF STERNE'S WORKS.

ib.

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